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My days aren't getting any better, even though im trying my VERY best to be as smiley & happy & full of joy as possible. Met up with gabriel & janelle at tampines, booked a shirt at 77th streetto be collected this friday. Headed down to central to eat, saw clinton and all at the alteration shop.

Went down to downtown, wasted money on the machines while waiting for sally to come. Caught the movie Bed time stories with them, quite nice really. Funny in its own way. Walked to central after that to see gabriel have his dinner then bused down to krtc to meet ben.

Talked alot with yh & co. Came home after that and tadaaa im here right now infront of the com. Spent my day with a heavy heart. Infact the past few days have been so gloomy. I'm sad, very sad.

But i cant do anything about it. Because i can't bring myself to the fact, the harsh fact that i know deep down in my heart. I can't ignite the start of the end, so im going to say it all out here. I don't care who's going to see this, or who is going to come calling and sms-ing me how i'm doing, am i okay, what am i going to do. I don't care anymore, i feel very very sad inside. I try controlling it, keeping it in. But everytime i sit here alone, my mind just keeps going on and on about it. The sad love songs that keep repeating in my computer, or the pictures that don't mean anything. i don't know when did Barry become so weak, so fragile, so pussy like. Its time like this i feel like throwing reputation, pride, face all away. Cause i don't wanna care about how people look at me anymore. Go ahead, say "wah barry so emo, someone like him sad over this kind of thing, not man sia barry, so ah gua."

The one stressing, is me. The one hoping, is me. The one feeling hurt, is me. My friends look at me, they know what im feeling. They ask how i am, and i really wish to tell them truthfully im okay. But when i mouth out the words " im fine" i feel even more depressed. I'm NOT okay, im fucking down right shag. I'm upset, i'm scared. Its because i love you. You hear me ? i love you.

I've heard so many things. And they ask me why? even though i know it all. Maybe, im not entertaining enough, not fun to be around with. I dont know what i did wrong, where i went wrong, what is wrong with me. I don't know anything. I'm at a point where i don't care anymore. Cause i've had ENOUGH of this, of waiting for something that would never come, of being there just in case, of being the cushion to the fall. I'm sick of it.

I know, i'll regret this. Regret typing this post out. But i'm not backing out, not gonna save this in draft and post it another day.

In the short amount of time i got to know you. I fell for you like bee's to honey. I thought, there was something between us. I gathered courage to ask, only to get set back. I enjoyed your company, so much i didn't want to jeapordize it in any way. I swallowed it. Kept it in as i watched you drift away. I wondered why, i wondered how. Up till now, its only getting worse. In this short time i knew you, you will be the reason why i'll hurt for the long time i'm gonna remember you. But in this short period of a dream, like any other dream we all chance upon every now and then, i was truly happy. Smiling and laughing like i've never done so. The kind of peace in my heart that only you can give, is also the only kind of torment you'll leave. Im not blaming, scolding or lamenting. I'm saying it here, cause i can't explain it to anyone, cause i don't have the balls to tell you straight. Cause all i want in your presence is just plain happiness & none of this at all. Maybe after this post, we may never see face to face again.

The fact is i love you.
I won't promise things like forever, i won't promise things that are impossible but nice to hear.
Cause im different, not the kind that goes away after a few months leaving nothing but scars behind.
i'll only promise 1 thing, the truth that i sincerely love you.
You will never see the tears behind my words.
And although it kills me deep inside.
This is the way its meant to be.
I'm 1 hopeless guy.
End.