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I never thought i'd ever be in such a loss of words ever. I don't know why things in my life are played out like this. There are things that yes i am thankful for, yet again there's a whole side to it i'm not. Even right now, i don't know why i'm here. The only thing i know is that the urge for me to be here is at its strongest. Where not even my own thoughts can stop me.

Whenever my mind reaches the crossroads everything comes up to me in an instant. I don't know what to do, just staring at the helplessness. Of how it could much worse than i imagined, and deep down i know that it is. All because, i was that kind of person. Its something born from within, and its addictive. Its not something people will push away just like that.

Yet again. I did. With your best interests at hand. Picking myself up from everything i used to be. I never ever knew, how much it hurts to fall again. And the worst thing about it was, i sincerely thought i'd never fall with you.

I've always been the pillar. The 1 pillar that will never break, standing there thru rain and shine, no matter how hard the storms hit i thought i had it all under my palm. But why is it right now i'm staring at my hands in such agony. That everything i stood for has just flew out the window.

Even before i could pick everything up it was already too late. Already too late.

Maybe my approach to things is wrong. Maybe i need to find a new way to everything. Instead of safeguarding everything precious to me i should just let go, and take everything in my stride. But what kind of person would that make me? I don't know how i ended up like this. But i don't like leaving problems there to disappear by themselves.

No matter how hard it is, whether its impossible for me to do anything, how meager or important, i've never ever run away from anything. BUT WHY IS IT NOW THAT I HAVE TO BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE OTHERS BEFORE ME ON MY SHOULDERS ALONE.

I don't care if its selfish, or its my perception on things that leaves no space for others. Its hurting inside of me. A little jab every now and then, reminding me that its still there & its not gonna go away just yet.

And neither do i want it to in someway. If i let something like this get by me, being defeated by it. And due to the course of time letting the wounds heal. I'd never ever be able to put it behind me. Everytime it comes, i lose all senses in my body. I just blackout for a moment and there i am right there. Next to you. Experiencing it 1st hand. My anger, my fear, my hate.

I hate it. I really really really hate it. Please make it go away. I don't want it, i really don't. I'm not strong enough to complete this hurdle. I want to wave that white flag and just surrender. Changing everything i've lived my life being who i am.

Cause even before i could fight back. It defeated me.

I never thought i'd feel this empty. I really truly thought everything was behind us, and that'd we can move forward together facing the hurdles that come by together. That i'd never have to fight alone again. Naive i may have been, but i couldn't help it. Being with you.

The times i spend with laughing, talking, playing, accompanying, hearing you ramble on and on, where have they gone? These ghosts haunting me. I can't do anything about it. Wave after waves, it comes crashing down on me. Something so big, staring me down. Almost jeering at me, knowing i can't do anything to stop it. Laughing at how i can't even run.

It feels like you were never with me. Not at all from the start. That this past one year, which now when i look back, can see no significant you. When right now when i turn around and see your sleeping face. I can still ask myself, who is this girl?

How we met, the people we were when we talked, the things left behind when we got together. Its the you from my ghosts. You are something i have to face, something i have to defeat, or stride over. But don't you realise, i can never do that.

Without losing you forever.

Is loving you so wrong? Why is that i have to take so much punishment. Is there something waiting for me at the end of this tunnel? Where the light at the end of the corridor is? I don't even know, i really don't. I want to think that there is a place existent, where these pains are not there.

I've tried my best to explain my situation. Where i'm stuck at. And i don't even feel the slightest relief from coming here. Not like the times before when i rant everything out. I have at least a clear head for the moments to come.

Its shrouded again, every few minutes that i'm breathing. When i sleep at night my mind wonders onto it, and like a slideshow it plays on & on. The anger, the rage, the hurt, the fear in me swells up the moment i wake up. Recollecting everything that happened. I just feel like dying.

How wonderful it is, to be able to slumber peacefully. Nothing to fear, nothing to lose. No pains from this world to injure you. Yet again, the fear to get there. Is something not everyone can accomplish. And perhaps, there is where my milestone lies.

Till then, while amongst all this happenings. Let this serve to help me remember. Who i was, who i wanted to be.

And everything that has begun for that to be possible.