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2nd April 2010

Amazing isn't it, how time flies by. Its been exactly 2 months since i enlisted into the Police force. 2 months of grueling exercises, shouting, sweating, sleeping. Yet again nothing's changed at all. It isn't like how i imagined it to be, than again what ever is.

I remember clearly that morning when i woke up. Spending the past 2 nights with u beside me, waking up an hour earlier to have my last few cigarettes. Packing the bag with stuff i need, sitting in the car on the way there, giving you that hug right before you left the place.

Back then, i always looked forward to weekends. Telling myself, " Just a few more days, just a few more. Than i'll get to hold you in my arms again. ". Than there are those days, when i wake up at exactly 5.30am in the morning. Remembering the dreams of the night, clutching my pillow so hard.

What kept me holding on, was the fact that it was possible. That if ignorance was bliss, than we were bliss too. The thought that at that very moment, when i asked you if you were willing to hold my hand through a journey that would be very much alike to hell. You said yes.

With just this 2 things, i thought everything was possible again. Even if not as much, i still believed. And i thought that mattered to you, because the events that night mattered so much to me. And maybe some part of me still wishes to remain ignorant to everything, but yet again, being the one that knows and wants to stay. There'll never be someone like me again.

Cause there's nothing left for anyone to know. I took it all, clutched it close to my heart, and let it unfurl all its fury unto me. Its the 1st time, in my whole life. That i've stood there, not knowing anything to do, just simply dumbfounded. It felt like someone very dear to me just died, and though i don't know what the feelings like at all, after that night, i really don't want to know either.

I thought i was strong, that i'd be able to take everything and anything life throws at me. That to every problem there's a solution. I had always led my life that way, and everything was going so smoothly. And even though there were people out there that wants to come and burst my bubble, i was strong enough to keep them away. Yet the one to manage to burst my bubble, was let in by me.

2 months down the road, i saw the 2 things that kept me holding on dwindle. Backfiring on me time & time again. Maybe i should have known that it was impossible to begin with, and that is my fault. The amount of things that died that night, it can't be brought back by sheer will. I guess i'm starting to realise it now.

When right now, i turn around and see your sleeping face. The innocence of this girl, the sleeping face that i want to protect so much. That because i'm important enough to know, its too important for me to just stay. Arguments are a bad thing, especially if it only goes around in circles.

However i just can't do this to myself. The conditions i laid out on the table, the things i expect and want. Those are the things that give me the will to believe again. Because right now i don't have the energy in me to trust in it again. I need a foundation, to lay my bricks on. And right now, i don't even have a piece of land to start on. Hoping the grass is greener on the other side, i'm looking over the fence to yours.

Just that, you don't have the space in your heart to share it with me. Because the bricks i lay up hinder the things you want too much, that you rather do the things you want. I don't know how long this will go on, because we're already so entangled together. With so many hopes pinned on me, i won't only be letting myself down. But the people around me that i've let get attached to you too.

To every problem, there is a solution. I've found the solution, its just out of my reach.
This poison, its going to kill me. Very soon.