CrossChronicals.bs.com

2010-08-10T06:43:00.002+08:00

Last Post update : 22/April/ 2010

Dear All,

kindly note that I will be on hiatus.

Thank You.

2010-04-22T22:57:00.003+08:00

I have honestly never, expected a period of time like this to come. Maybe i was overconfident, arrogant or some people might say, ignorant. However, i'd say it was just the usual hard headed me. Refusing to bow down to anything that forces itself on me, resisting the waves that come pounding on my soul.

Though this time. I really can't find the strength to stand up anymore. It isn't the same, this time around. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know i'm drowning, and even though i'm eaching for the dim light with everything i've got. Some things, are just like you in the deep blue ocean alone.

Every single rule, that i have lived my life by.
Ima wa, saigomade da. Watashi wa, mo shinjiranai. Hotoni, gomenasai.

It took me this long. To realise that. And how things go beyond this point, how i will begin to look at things in this new light. Where i'll end up, who i will become. You don't have to worry, you've changed me, from the inside out. You tore me to pieces, and left me to pick it all up again.

Thank you. With this, i think i can face the world now. When it rears its ugly face at me again the next time. I'll be prepared to accept it. Because you have forced me to, as much as i detested it. I stare it head on now.

Welcome back Barry. This is the world. She is the results of it.
You can't escape it. Embrace it.
This is my life.

They say guys are all bad.
When girls like you, are the precise reason why guys turn bad.
/-
Because when we give our all, and hope for a future.
You flip open a book, and give me the regret that'll last a life time.
/-
And after everything has been said and done.
At the end of the day, all you can do, is sit there and watch. Enjoying the ride, as always.

2010-04-19T02:02:00.005+08:00

♥
ich solte gewusst haben, es tut mir leid. es fuhlt sich so kalte. sie lieben mich micht mehr. etwas in mir starb. ich vermisse Sie. miss diese Zeiten. ich brauche sie jetzt, Aber nicht mehr. Ich werde harden mein Herz. es tut mir leid fur verletzen sie.

Mein letzter post fur sie, Zu ihnen.

2010-04-13T19:50:00.002+08:00

The most stupid thing, is to trust that the person that wronged you will make it right. Thats just how all girls are, selfish creatures. They do something wrong and expect the world to cover their ass up for them. And when nothing goes according to how they want it to be, they just sit there and say.

Too late to do anything. Oh well.

2010-04-07T20:02:00.002+08:00

1st day of work at Airport division. I can very much say i hate it already. That place is where i'll be spending the rest of my weekdays of the 2 years at. Leaving house at 8am in the morning and only returning at 6pm. No friends to talk to, no company that understands. And the worst thing about it is, its the place where information about almost anything and everything out there passes through.

And i see and hear and read about all of them.

I can't help but feel the pain of the victims, imagine the plight they are going through. Even newspapers of the day recount of incidents where the victims were wronged so badly, but everyone reading knows that the very scenario of it would place the victim at " you should have expected this ".

I don't feel sympathetic or sad for the person, don't get me wrong. After all i've been through, i can only say to that person..

You deserved it.
You should have known better than that.
You were courting trouble.
You had it coming.

And in the public eyes, they all turn their eyes to the accused hatefully. But for me, i can only look at the victims boyfriend. I'd like to be there with him, to talk him through things. To give him a pat on his back without saying anything, anything at all. Because the most meaningful things, comes without words. Because man cry not for themselves, but for their comrades.

And my heart goes out to him. Whoever you are, whatever you are doing. Stay strong, do what you must. And don't let anyone, say its silly pride. Who ever you are, i hope you're doing fine. They were wrong for what they've done, but she's condemned even more because she allowed it to.

The cruelty of this world is as such, we can only stand by and watch it revolve. Pushing it just makes it worse and going with it is inhuman. This isn't how life should be led, not against your morals. And even if it costs me more than what is considered stupid, i'm holding out for as long as i can.

Because every man is only as good as he is bad.

2010-04-02T17:54:00.002+08:00

2nd April 2010

Amazing isn't it, how time flies by. Its been exactly 2 months since i enlisted into the Police force. 2 months of grueling exercises, shouting, sweating, sleeping. Yet again nothing's changed at all. It isn't like how i imagined it to be, than again what ever is.

I remember clearly that morning when i woke up. Spending the past 2 nights with u beside me, waking up an hour earlier to have my last few cigarettes. Packing the bag with stuff i need, sitting in the car on the way there, giving you that hug right before you left the place.

Back then, i always looked forward to weekends. Telling myself, " Just a few more days, just a few more. Than i'll get to hold you in my arms again. ". Than there are those days, when i wake up at exactly 5.30am in the morning. Remembering the dreams of the night, clutching my pillow so hard.

What kept me holding on, was the fact that it was possible. That if ignorance was bliss, than we were bliss too. The thought that at that very moment, when i asked you if you were willing to hold my hand through a journey that would be very much alike to hell. You said yes.

With just this 2 things, i thought everything was possible again. Even if not as much, i still believed. And i thought that mattered to you, because the events that night mattered so much to me. And maybe some part of me still wishes to remain ignorant to everything, but yet again, being the one that knows and wants to stay. There'll never be someone like me again.

Cause there's nothing left for anyone to know. I took it all, clutched it close to my heart, and let it unfurl all its fury unto me. Its the 1st time, in my whole life. That i've stood there, not knowing anything to do, just simply dumbfounded. It felt like someone very dear to me just died, and though i don't know what the feelings like at all, after that night, i really don't want to know either.

I thought i was strong, that i'd be able to take everything and anything life throws at me. That to every problem there's a solution. I had always led my life that way, and everything was going so smoothly. And even though there were people out there that wants to come and burst my bubble, i was strong enough to keep them away. Yet the one to manage to burst my bubble, was let in by me.

2 months down the road, i saw the 2 things that kept me holding on dwindle. Backfiring on me time & time again. Maybe i should have known that it was impossible to begin with, and that is my fault. The amount of things that died that night, it can't be brought back by sheer will. I guess i'm starting to realise it now.

When right now, i turn around and see your sleeping face. The innocence of this girl, the sleeping face that i want to protect so much. That because i'm important enough to know, its too important for me to just stay. Arguments are a bad thing, especially if it only goes around in circles.

However i just can't do this to myself. The conditions i laid out on the table, the things i expect and want. Those are the things that give me the will to believe again. Because right now i don't have the energy in me to trust in it again. I need a foundation, to lay my bricks on. And right now, i don't even have a piece of land to start on. Hoping the grass is greener on the other side, i'm looking over the fence to yours.

Just that, you don't have the space in your heart to share it with me. Because the bricks i lay up hinder the things you want too much, that you rather do the things you want. I don't know how long this will go on, because we're already so entangled together. With so many hopes pinned on me, i won't only be letting myself down. But the people around me that i've let get attached to you too.

To every problem, there is a solution. I've found the solution, its just out of my reach.
This poison, its going to kill me. Very soon.

2010-02-02T06:54:00.002+08:00

Enlisted to Police Home Team Academy on 2nd February 2010.

Seriously didn't expect this day to come in my 20 years of my life. Really thought i could push it back as far away as i could. Oh well, with growing up you find that getting over with some things is the best solution at times.

With all the problems i carry in, i hope with such passage of time it'd all resolve. Thank you darling for spending the past 2 nights with me. Its the best thing i can carry in right now to tide me thru these 10 days.

Why do i feel like i'm about to take a 10 day tour into the depths of hell. Virgil would be smiling now i guess =/ Well as i'm listening to my last bits of music that always made my mornings better..

Darling if you miss me ever during these days. Come back to this page cause right here and now i'm telling you.. That wherever i am and whatever i'm doing, I'm missing you very much & you'd always be at the back of my mind no matter how many push ups i have to endure.

Its been a full year of knowing you.
And i love you.

Take care my love.

2010-01-18T15:27:00.002+08:00

I never thought i'd ever be in such a loss of words ever. I don't know why things in my life are played out like this. There are things that yes i am thankful for, yet again there's a whole side to it i'm not. Even right now, i don't know why i'm here. The only thing i know is that the urge for me to be here is at its strongest. Where not even my own thoughts can stop me.

Whenever my mind reaches the crossroads everything comes up to me in an instant. I don't know what to do, just staring at the helplessness. Of how it could much worse than i imagined, and deep down i know that it is. All because, i was that kind of person. Its something born from within, and its addictive. Its not something people will push away just like that.

Yet again. I did. With your best interests at hand. Picking myself up from everything i used to be. I never ever knew, how much it hurts to fall again. And the worst thing about it was, i sincerely thought i'd never fall with you.

I've always been the pillar. The 1 pillar that will never break, standing there thru rain and shine, no matter how hard the storms hit i thought i had it all under my palm. But why is it right now i'm staring at my hands in such agony. That everything i stood for has just flew out the window.

Even before i could pick everything up it was already too late. Already too late.

Maybe my approach to things is wrong. Maybe i need to find a new way to everything. Instead of safeguarding everything precious to me i should just let go, and take everything in my stride. But what kind of person would that make me? I don't know how i ended up like this. But i don't like leaving problems there to disappear by themselves.

No matter how hard it is, whether its impossible for me to do anything, how meager or important, i've never ever run away from anything. BUT WHY IS IT NOW THAT I HAVE TO BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE OTHERS BEFORE ME ON MY SHOULDERS ALONE.

I don't care if its selfish, or its my perception on things that leaves no space for others. Its hurting inside of me. A little jab every now and then, reminding me that its still there & its not gonna go away just yet.

And neither do i want it to in someway. If i let something like this get by me, being defeated by it. And due to the course of time letting the wounds heal. I'd never ever be able to put it behind me. Everytime it comes, i lose all senses in my body. I just blackout for a moment and there i am right there. Next to you. Experiencing it 1st hand. My anger, my fear, my hate.

I hate it. I really really really hate it. Please make it go away. I don't want it, i really don't. I'm not strong enough to complete this hurdle. I want to wave that white flag and just surrender. Changing everything i've lived my life being who i am.

Cause even before i could fight back. It defeated me.

I never thought i'd feel this empty. I really truly thought everything was behind us, and that'd we can move forward together facing the hurdles that come by together. That i'd never have to fight alone again. Naive i may have been, but i couldn't help it. Being with you.

The times i spend with laughing, talking, playing, accompanying, hearing you ramble on and on, where have they gone? These ghosts haunting me. I can't do anything about it. Wave after waves, it comes crashing down on me. Something so big, staring me down. Almost jeering at me, knowing i can't do anything to stop it. Laughing at how i can't even run.

It feels like you were never with me. Not at all from the start. That this past one year, which now when i look back, can see no significant you. When right now when i turn around and see your sleeping face. I can still ask myself, who is this girl?

How we met, the people we were when we talked, the things left behind when we got together. Its the you from my ghosts. You are something i have to face, something i have to defeat, or stride over. But don't you realise, i can never do that.

Without losing you forever.

Is loving you so wrong? Why is that i have to take so much punishment. Is there something waiting for me at the end of this tunnel? Where the light at the end of the corridor is? I don't even know, i really don't. I want to think that there is a place existent, where these pains are not there.

I've tried my best to explain my situation. Where i'm stuck at. And i don't even feel the slightest relief from coming here. Not like the times before when i rant everything out. I have at least a clear head for the moments to come.

Its shrouded again, every few minutes that i'm breathing. When i sleep at night my mind wonders onto it, and like a slideshow it plays on & on. The anger, the rage, the hurt, the fear in me swells up the moment i wake up. Recollecting everything that happened. I just feel like dying.

How wonderful it is, to be able to slumber peacefully. Nothing to fear, nothing to lose. No pains from this world to injure you. Yet again, the fear to get there. Is something not everyone can accomplish. And perhaps, there is where my milestone lies.

Till then, while amongst all this happenings. Let this serve to help me remember. Who i was, who i wanted to be.

And everything that has begun for that to be possible.

2009-09-22T01:09:00.003+08:00

Haha, been very long since i blogged ? Wonder if within the next week will anyone even read this .. well do leave a note if you do. Life's been good, more or less anyway. Luck's not been on my side recently. 1 obvious thing would be my $200 fine fron NEA.

But nevermind, i've been living the good life for a very long time. About time something like this came along to remind me of what's ahead. Ahead, haha. What a word, 5 letters than practically mean everything.

Darling, You decide what is given and what isn't. Its your life, ultimately. And i only ask for 1 thing from you, and in essence its one of the most abundant thing around. But yet again, when you think about it. Everything else needs this to exist at the same time.

Work requires time, playing requires time, eating requires time.
And yes, that means that my very existence is of the same value as any of the above. Because all i ever want, is your time. Cause while everyone overlooks something as important as this, i want it the most among everything else.

" A priest once met a beggar outside his church begging for food. And this particular beggar was in fact a very well known priest & a very dear friend to this priest years before. After approahcing and realising so, the priest handed to him 2 pieces of brown bread and some water. Out of curiosity he sat next to his old friend and asked, " what has happened dear friend, to put you in such a state ?" . The beggar told the priest, " Oh friend, nothing drastic or dire had happened to put me where i am now, its by my own will that i wish to be who i am now. "

Now this startled the priest a lot. And he asked his old friend " why is it so ? ". And the beggar told the priest this,

" Would anyone else rejoice over 2 pieces of brown bread and a cup of water the same way i do so now ? "

" Sometimes in life, you make a decision not to become the very thing that you hate in your own life. But as years go by, without realising it you turn more and more into it. "

I've lived my life never regretting anything i decide on. And i've vowed never to become the man that my father is to me this very day. And i realised long ago, that it isn't because no one cares when i fall. But its because of what kind of treatment do i want to feel, when i fall, that matters. And in turn, i will only seek that person that can make me feel that way. At the end of the day, it resides on who you want to fall on instead. No one's actually ever gone.

And if 1 day i do fall apart, its you whom i want to fall onto.

Baby this is for you. To serve as a reminder for your emotions.
i love you so much, i really do.

And i'm sorry. For not showing it more.
However darling, i cannot be there all the time to help you control your thoughts.
Don't let it get the better of you, and when you start to ponder that i don't care about you anymore..

Always remember i have you in my heart, always.
No matter what.

2009-07-12T20:53:00.003+08:00

I never thought i'd need to come back to this page for something like this ;
Well at least for an extended period of time. Its been quite awhile, i'd give myself that. But in the end its still the fact that i have to come back here to let it out. Who knows who's gonna read this and when. Even i dont keep track of who has access to my blog anymore, cause to me its become nothing but a place for sad happenings. For recounts of things that you want to leave a memento on to look back at after some time.

True. I know i have my faults. I know that it'd take a character much stronger than mine to make me realise it. Or something with a big enough impact to. If this is how you want the cookie to crumble i can do the exact same thing.

Who's tired of what ? You've changed and tried and given yourself credit that you never thought you had in you. Read that again, and again. Run it through your head.

Let me spell it out for you what it means.
" You don't have what it takes to do this."

At least that of which you don't know about yet. Which in turn means your letting all of this happen without control, loving ME without knowing whether or not you can do it or not. Putting everything we HAVE up to CHANCE.

Let me re-count. YOU said that you're trying so hard.... to do what ?? Leaving things to chance requires that much effort ? Well than for my part i know i've put in my share of "boyfriend" . And yes it comes with the problems of time, friends, money, school, emotions, feelings. AND yet again, i go through it all for you.

BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES IN ME TO LOVE YOU.
TO LOVE YOU

And here you're telling me. That you've loved me this much that you've never imagined possible for yourself. What justice.. No, not justice.. So this is all i deserve ? That the fact that " you've loved me beyond what you thought you could've have " is supposed to make everything alright. For everyone that knows to sympathise with you for being in a relationship with me ? Is that it !?

Why is it that i have no problems with the things that you have problems with. Realise it now please. Its not that i MUST have the last say. I have the LAST say because I'VE PUT EVERYTHING I HAVE INTO MAKING THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK. THAT GENUINE EFFORT IS THERE, THAT I KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME TO MAKE THIS WORK ; that gives ME the last say.

Because something that you have outside of yourself is never in your control. Because something that you " thought you never could do " would not be clear enough to you to understand its nature. Of how it comes about, of why it happens.

Let me tell you something. I understand, not KNOW. Of love, much much more than you. From just the simple statement, in reply to your own statement.

I know. I have it in me.
To love you.

" Marriage is never based on feelings, because feelings change with time even if in mini-portions. But a marriage is based on a decision, because a decision cannot change with time. "

It seems you've decided you've done.
Enough already ; it seems.

This post. Is my last say.
" When a heart breaks no it don't break even. "

2009-05-23T22:13:00.000+08:00

Expectation .
In whatever way i disappointed you ..

I doubt it'd ever come close to mine.
And so this question pops up in my mind from seeing your actions.

What have i got myself into ?

2009-05-20T00:34:00.002+08:00

Guess i just want someone to love.
Simple as it sounds, it definitely isn't.

"What goes around comes around"

No one can dictate what becomes of a relationship. Only pray with good faith it completes the circle.

I hardly need to think about my answer. Cause i know that with loving you, i don't need anything else.

Well except for maybe money of course X)

2009-05-14T10:25:00.002+08:00

I, I don't know why I miss you so much.
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch.
You, you left me feeling high and dry,
With nothing, nothing but the question why.

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction,
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection.

If you call me today,
I'll say that I'm fine.
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice,
It's just a lie.
You knew what you had,
You still walked away leaving me in this mess.
My love for you is deep and meaningless.

You, you knew what you were doing to me,
And I, I guess I was too blind to see.
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad,
But I'd do it again to relive what we had.
Damn that's sad.

There are many things left to remind me.
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me.

I seem to have lost sight, of everything i wanted it to be.
I seem to be in despair, although everything is calm.
Than again everything isn't as it seems.

I remember thinking.
Of making the most out of it.
Instead of crying over spilled milk.

To master emotions, control time, putting on a mask.
Till the day it becomes pointless, i do it all for you,
Miss Independent.

2009-05-09T18:38:00.002+08:00

Stayed home today. Except for macdonald's breakfast at ws and my house mini-mart for a pack of cigs i've been dying here for hours already. Might have an early night later on, going for mother's day lunch tomorrow. Bored stiff now, been staring at nothing since i came home from whitesands.

Advanced driving theory test on monday. E-trial before that, so i hope i can pass it straight and start learning how to drive asap. Expecting myself to take the car out at night for supper when everyone's sleeping. But first, 100 rounds around my car park. If not i'd probable be in CGH when i do take the car out for a spin.

Parents been nagging the whole day. When i do stay home for the day, i suddenly remember why i always hated doing so from aeons ago. After tomorrow i'd only be home for sleep, other than that no thanks. School's schedual is lighting up on me, won't be as busy i guess =D

Will be meeting some friends after school on monday, and i end at 5pm =( see how things go than. If i'm too shag or something like that i'd most probably head home to sleep, or something like that too X)

Dinner's gonna be ready soon i hope. Than head down for a smoke, and back to rotting for a few more hours before i turn in for the day =) Have fun peeps !

2009-05-06T22:59:00.005+08:00

" Time goes by, never stopping for anyone, not hesitating for a second to see who's left behind. Thats the cruelty of it, and the ironic beauty of it. "

-Barry Nicholas ong

I'm not one to say, that experiences in life are nothing new to me. But let me relive this old-tale once more. Not too long ago, when everything in my life was just about to change, i used to think i had this special someone. The kind of feeling that it'd last forever ? Where we have this floating feeling of everything's going to be alright.

Scary how familiar it is to you people? I've watched it pass, not only in my own relationship, but in friend's that confide about it to me. Of how so similar the symptoms are, the causes, the consequences. " Once bitten, twice shy " Maybe.. thats the cause of why i'm feeling like this at certain times.

Undoubtly, while you're by my side, the world doesn't matter. But we've all outgrown the stage of being ignorant to whats happening, we forsee, we plan, we prevent, we avoid, all for the sake of a better future, to prevent an undesirable outcome from occuring. Than what happens when something you know you cannot avoid comes knocking on your door bringing along with it uncertainty ?

When there's nothing i can do but to embrace it with my arms wide open. Maybe i should go into detail a little bit more, of what i'm so afraid of.

What if one day i get used to not contacting you during your school hours, and i extend it to beyond that and it becomes a 1 call per day thing. Maybe worse?

When 1 day you become so busy i get used to meeting you only once a week, and i gradually lose the feeling to see you and we don't see each other for a month?

What will happen if 1 day i even lose the importance of our anniversary? Cooking up excuses to not miss an outing with the people i hang out with in your absence ?

This are all truths, i've done them.
Posting this up here, made me half realise. That its areas i need work on myself. But i'm only human, and things like this present oppertunities for dissapointments to happen. Of putting down expectations, and accepting the food infront of you. This isn't how a relationship should be.

Neither how it should end up.
I'm afraid, with this in my head.
So tell me, how do i enjoy the moment now.

Nevertheless, i love you. Like you said, we'd work something out.
Somehow.

2009-04-29T21:49:00.006+08:00

Darling complained i didn't update my blog =) So here's a long post for her.

Been spending a lot of days with her. Just walking and talking, sharing our nonsensical jokes. Talking about how we first met, discussing what we both thought at that moment in time =) Although we are going through a very financially broke period we're both still very very happy.

Learning how to save money together, trying to plan our activities together, arranging our schedules so that everyday we'd have time to see each other. All the silly notions she makes, the no-link talks we have, or just staring at each other for no apparent reason than do the nose twitching thingy.

In such a short span of nearly 3 months, its amazing the amount of memories we already have. And there i was complaining to myself not too long ago of about how we have spent so little time together. In a blink of an eye, i'm confident enough to say we've been through practically enough for a relationship that would have been as long as a year. Wouldn't you agree? =x

And as sure as it is, we grew stronger with every disagreement & argument we have. Although i can only remember there being 1 quarrel, the rest were pretty much debates. Looking back, its really quite amazing. How different you and i are, our lifestyles, our society. And yet even more amazing how alike we are in certain aspects. After all i'm phlegmatic, or something like that =D

For all the nagging i've done on my part. I only meant well love, and i do hope you'd remember my words for the rest of your life. To be something you remember and smile about, knowing it helped you. Its a mark i'd want to leave in your life, so at least there's someone who remembers me.

Everyday with you has been a blessing. Everything that once had an overwhelming importance to me seem to just fade to nothing the moment you're by my side. Like a haeven i seek when i'm down and out, the place i can go to and relinquish all my worries. You're just as every bit important to me as you say i am to you, maybe even more. But that'd be an argument between us about who loves who more which would never end ..

For all the promises i made. All the assurances i gave. I'd still standby them, the same way i did when i declared those words. Dearest girl, i want you to know i love you from the depths of my heart. And although my words may only be silver and not gold (-_-) i'd still want you to know nevertheless.

31.01.2009
City alive
The night that changed my life.
The night i found that life isn't all that cruel =)

10.02.2009
The day i felt sorry for the african kids cause im so blessed =x

Ps. i love you.

Ps. I know you were grinning at certain points of the post xD

To : Miss Independent
From : ______ (Fill in the name you'd wish to call me this time)
<3

2009-04-22T23:28:00.003+08:00

Contemplating completely switching this blog to private use. Where there can only be a handful of people who reserves the importance to me to read.

Attended the funeral today. I hope i don't have to attend another one like it again. Its really saddening to see a friend suffer a loss like this so suddenly. Stay strong, we're here.

Wish i could say the same for myself. Things haven't been going very well. All the thinking isn't helping at all, and for the future to come.. i'll take it step by step. I know its going to be a very rough time, but we'll pull thru. I guess.

With the falling of night i still see the dark clouds,
Even without sight, the wind bends the trees like twigs.
If this is fear i see, why aren't i running.
Silence before the storm ; Sunshine after the storm.
Behold the severity.
Right now, i really feel like falling apart.
Leaving no one to pick me up.

2009-04-21T22:03:00.004+08:00

Somethings in life are just more important than others.

-Edit
Doubt i'll be going to school tomorrow. Really dont feel like it at the moment. I'd be free till 5pm tomorrow afternoon. So souls out there who sees this post in time and contacts me in time wishes to rid me of my saddened day please do not hesitate to trouble me. I mean, accompany me.

Goodnight.

By the way, there are bones in your closet.

2009-04-20T23:53:00.004+08:00

Went to school this morning to find my class ended. Played pool with honey at safra, skipped my next lesson. Went back home with her, let the super sick girl sleep for close to 5hours. Woke her up for dinner, and gamed a little. Sent her to Mrt startion, bought my soyabean drinks and Bak kwa costing me a total of $10. Came home played Blackshot and now i'm writing this block of words before i go to sleep because ITE Tampines Meed 2A lesson starts at 8.15am tomorrow morning.

Fucked up anot? Oh did i mention SH called to say she won't re-enrol me in for inconsistent attendance? Sigh. I really don't see where any of this is going. Maybe i should just go to army.. There all i have to worry about is when is meal time and when will night come.

So much like secondary school uh ? But this time we get paid. Cons of army ? NO LIFE. I want to work (a proper hourly paid job) with no funny conditions for my pay to come in so and so forth to get my motorbike. I really can't stand taking public transport anymore. I wanna ride thru and fro whenever where-ever i like, i wanna feel the thrill of the speed.

$$$

What should i do now? I feel so lost.

2009-04-20T00:10:00.002+08:00

I should be heading to sleep after i post this up. Or maybe go smoke another stick before i do. i'll see how once i'm done with this in about 5mins yeah?

Webcam-ed and skype with my cute girlfriend ytd night. Haha spent about 15mins fixing my mic cause of some stupid settings. Spent 3hrs talking? Free somemore, no need scare phone bill burst or something. So we really made use of it =D

Yvonne's chalet yesterday. Glad most of us showed up. And swimming this afternoon with darling, came home to facebook and did a few nonsensical quizes. Had a good laugh lol.

Baby went home shortly after, leaving me here alone with nothing to do =( worse thing is that there's school tomorrow. I tell you, the feeling, is a killer. Spoil mood the moment i think its sunday. And if i'm not wrong there'll be work in the evening later on. How much worse can tomorrow get?

2nd thought i really don't wanna know. Haha, oh and BlackShot is really addictive. Gunz concept except not as stupid. Still not very used to my computer, been neglecting it alot past few months. Can't multi task as quick anymore. Haha.

Pray i manage to earn a little cash tomorrow. And get my ez-link done, all this is if i can remember la. I'm very lazy most of the time lmao.

Sayonara min na san ~

2009-04-17T23:07:00.003+08:00

Its been a while. Since i've felt this way. Most of the times, i'm transforming the feeling into either sadness, or hurt. Twisting the story till it becomes a perfect reason/excuse for me to feel that way.

I don't know what sparks this off, maybe the fact that i've had a long day. Or if its because i watched you hang that "deep in thoughts face" the whole day. Trying so hard to cheer you up, make you smile, help you forget whats bothering you.

And in the end when i just have a simple request it seems i need to queue and take a number and wait for my turn before it can happen.

Yeah its been awhile. I'm not upset, i very much think that this time.
I'm pissed.

2009-04-17T03:06:00.003+08:00

And yet another day passes. Edging ever so slowly towards utopia, where ever that is. Its amazing how we humans take the hours we're awake for granted. If you really sit down and think about it, i'd beg to differ and say its really very important.

We only live once. Yet in this short span of a lifetime why do we still forget certain things? Of what seemed so long ago when you're on your death bed would it still seem that far way? Maybe i'm thinking out of my reach, too much in my mouth to chew. But you've got to agree aye?

Priority

A word. What it is doesn't matter, its the emotion/actions it represents that does. Applied in every aspect of our everyday lives. Its something i have problem with, in certain areas. I weigh everything to scale, which is important and which is not. What is worth fighting for and what is not. What will stay and what won't.

But i don't cause myself misery in the process. Because priority ; only takes places when something/someone has so much importance to you that no matter what. It comes first, no questions asked, hands down straight situation.

Importance. Simple meaning, difficult process to obtain it. But when actions depict how important you just may be.. Thats when the heart starts to speak, a 1000 words.

.Because of you.

2009-04-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

Finally got my com back up and working. Took me nearly 3 weeks cause i was lazy to dial the number to get the repair man to come. Haha amazing right? A call taking less than 3mins and i took 3 weeks to do it.

Anyway ! Been downloading songs. Lots of them, but sadly LGviewty has a superiority complex to songs and some can't be displayed for god knows what reason. So im downloading multiple versions to do trial and error, damn stupid but its the only way.

Ares sucks. Thats that. Limewire 5 is the new sex man. And been spending time with Darl alot past few weeks. Missed out on alot events to post cause com was down, and im really very lazy to go recap.

Maybe 1 day when im home feeling really ambitious i will. Oh ! and will be getting my bike soon soon SOON ! =D
$$ will be a problem but calculating here and there i should be fine (:

School started for me(again) by the way. So right now i'm a year 3 student. LOL ! Which is the reason why i can't work full time to get my bike faster. Alright ending here i need to go sleep, before my naggy beauty says i dont keep my promises.

i love you baby =)

2009-04-13T19:50:00.002+08:00

THE COMPUTER IS FIXED & BARRY WILL BE BLOGGING ONCE MORE. cheers to that. Silly boy is more in love with his computer. His new XLP ...

I'm sure there'll be more posts soon .... till then.

xoxo.
K

2009-03-25T20:38:00.002+08:00

*Currently com is spoilt, hence will be on haitus for a long long while. [=
Updates when it's fixed.

RANDOM POINT;

Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand.

Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.

The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on,

the sand trickles through your fingers.

You may hold onto some of it,

but most will be spilled.

A relationship is like that.

Held loosely,

with respect and freedom for the other person,

it is likely to remain intact.

But hold too tightly,

too possessively,

and the relationship slips away and is lost.

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree,

but still hold hands.

/
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.

And we are never, ever the same.

2009-03-18T00:49:00.003+08:00

My mind's..... Blank.. Its like, i can't think of anything. Not even those of troubles and worries. But its not the kind of blank, where as i just sit there thinking of nothing and staring at nothing. Its blank, in you. Looking at you, wondering what to do, thinking of what miserable help i can be to you. And the answer pops up in my face the exact same way my failed BTT result did, than i go blank.

On repeat this playlist went. Yeah we're smiling, laughing, cuddling in each other's presence. Its the same theory as how people enjoy themselves aboard a cruise ship while the anchor is down at the oceans floor. Its the same dragging feeling i get when i look at you. Worrying with all my might wouldn't solve anything and in turn adds on to the burden.

I've even lost inspirations to start my silly poems. That take aeons to figure out and an understanding of my life to decipher. Cause when it comes to you, love is as simple as it is complicating, which sums up the gist of it all. I want you to be happy. Saying something so foolish hardly comes close to it really happening but yet its really all i want you to be.

This isn't a post to show i'm sad, let me tell everyone reading. I'm happy ! Probably more now than ever before. Yet, i don't know whats the purpose of this particular post. What kind of emotions i wish to convey to the readers, what kind of situation i want to portray to everyone. 1 thing that might have the minority of people understand, would be the chance that they too have been through something like in their life before. It isn't a traumatic experience, i'm in fact thankful for it.

But you can't shape shift emotions just like that. All these words are ironically just bytes and data through the internet. And this time and day, i wonder why isn't there a reply, if you are okay, if everything's fine, if something's about to happen, if you remembered me.

So maybe we just figured out, why this sudden topic. And maybe we didn't ? The night's still young, i'm going to go have a cup of coffee, sit down in my living room with my phone by my side. And hope that tonight, i'll have the luck of telling you..

Goodnight & Sweetdreams, i love you.

2009-03-17T02:02:00.002+08:00

Bought a LG viewty for Darling today. Baby pink ! and we exchanged stylus. Haha, thinking of finding a shop that does skins for Handphones and we'll getting matching designs (:

Well after looking at her Brand new Viewty it made mine look so shag. But i love it nevertheless =D The people around me have been so supportive. The decisions i've made, and the ones i intend to make. Everyone's been telling me the pro's and con's, consequences, risks, liabilities and responsibilites i have to uptake.

My head may still be half in cloud 9, but i know this is a step to being an adult. Gotta start thinking for my career, my future, my 'ride' =)

Where this goes, i'm still very unsure. But from what my actions speak, i can see clearly how much chemistry means in this combined sciences period.

Supposed to work tomorrow, but it seems its 2am and i'm not asleep yet. When i'm supposed to be up at 8am. It depends whether my father wakes me up or not and than off to office to rot my day away.

Ja na mina san !

2009-03-16T15:44:00.002+08:00

ZOUK - ED

Was okay laa, so so only. 1 thing, god damn too many ppl. They need to control ticket sales, its crazy. Print so many than cannot fit in that amount of ppl also useless what. Somemore $20 for 1 ticket. Its really crazy la.

Saw many familiar faces, but didn't have time to speak even 10 sentences with each of them. Sad =( a few stupid things happened that i found were avoidable but common in underage clubs. Baby's right, maybe i should starting hitting the 18 and above ones.

Well no point talking, the next time im going to something like this is in 3 months time =D Cabbed back to pasir ris. Which cost me nearly 30 dollars, me and my girlfriend's tickets were around that much.

Crashed at my place. And now i'm feeling very exhausted from everything. But it was really very very fun having baby there with me =) I can't imagine myself being there alone la? 5 guys.. no girls.. sad.

Didn't see you for 1 full day and it felt like you really went for a 3 day camp instead. I missed you so (:

2009-03-15T11:31:00.000+08:00

i'll sing it
One last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing
That's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you
Can't raise your voice to say

To think
I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say
Our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is
To find an easier way
To get out
Of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if
It's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

2009-03-15T02:24:00.000+08:00

Its been a day since i last saw you. I can't say how much im missing you =/
I dont know how to explain this feeling, of being loved. Of knowing there's someone there that'll comfort you, love you, take care of you.

The feeling is unexplainable.

Honey, how i love you.

2009-03-12T02:36:00.005+08:00

GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT TODAY !?!

NOTHING DIFFERENT ! WEEE !~

=D Spent the day with honey. Actually planned to stay home and get my com up and running properly this time. But i really cannot resist it if my hun calls me up and very very casually asks me to go find her if im so free. Alarms in my head start tingling saying GO GO GO GO GO GO than the next thing you know im butt naked in my shower rushing. LOL !

Ended up at town, supposedly to buy shoes. Yeaahh we ended up walking in circles getting nothing but tired legs =D But its also so very enjoyable. Cause for 1 thing i do have a very cute and entertaining girlfriend with me to chase all the boredom away.

Bus-ed back to tampines cause she had a meeting to attend. I ended up at IGT for awhile, talked to the people awhile before heading off. Took 81 back, met guo ping on the way =D I stopped at my house stop leaving baby to go home alone. Guilty T.T

Its time like this i wish i had a car, or a bike, or a superfast bicycle. Time wouldn't be a constraint, travelling would be easier, time with you would be more peaceful (:

I'll see you tmr honey =)

Yeah things aren't always so carefree.
Even me being an idiot knows.
i'd be there, even if this world falls.
i won't.

" People pass, and listen to us laugh. Wishing that they had the same thing and our friends, they ask how we made it. I just smile and say the same thing ;
im not sure how we got here. "
x3

2009-03-11T01:30:00.003+08:00

Welcome 11th march 2009. 3months into the new year 11 days into the month and 1.30mins into the day. What does this mean? It means the start of our 2nd month, i wanna recap a little into how we met okay? xD

31st January 2009, for i don't know what special reason they have this annual "dance event LOL" thing held. I really really REALLY didn't feel like going 2-3 days before the event. Changed my mind 1 day before because of something, can't really remember what but it really made me want to hit the dancefloor badly. Decided to tag along with sara and song eng that day since it WAS a 18 and above event so i had no invitations to it since most of the ppl i know go for underage ones. That was 1 thing that didn't make it so attracting to me.

Trained to... forgot the station alrdy. HAHA ! but it had a really big white church outside the station, so guess you guys roughly know where it is i hope. Padang if i remember correctly.. okay whatever. I didn't like what i saw when i reached.

1. A damn freaking long queue to esplanade.
2.Condoned areas so had to walk in big rounds.
3. No air-con !
4.The best of all, i heard songs like Sha-la-la-la.

Really wanted to turn around and head over to boat quay or play pool or something. Was about 90% sure than sara said that since we're here might as well just go in. So alright, sat there with song eng, trying to kill boredom while waiting for boyster to sell tickets. Smoked all that was left of my cigarettes while waiting, even finished song eng's share. HAHA !

There was a point the both of us was so shag we decided to just sit on the pavement of the road. Was feeling kinda gay at that moment cause sara went to fetch her friend. Talked nonsense as usual, than sara finally came back, with her friend =)

Didn't talk to her at all, being the person i am i don't do interaction. Looking at her, my 1st impressions were.. "wah high class, ang moh jin hoh, im out of her league" so yeah practically gave up straight away.

Continued waiting for boyster to sell his tickets. Than Sara's friend came over to talk to me while i was balancing myself on a stone. The kinda questions you ask when you first meet a person, which school you from, how old so and so forth. Usual topic between most people who see me will be my piearcings which killed the uneasiness in the air. Than went to participate in the "dance event".

Shall skip this whole part, mine to remember only =D

Skip

Skip

Skip

Skip

End of event, Sara wanted to eat at HongKong Cafe. Cabbed there, drank milktea, than waited for Sara's friend to go home in her parents car. Slacked a little bit more, than cabbed home =)

Reached home, took a bath. Asked Sara for her friends number, sent an sms, knocked out. The last thing i remember before falling asleep was. " Will she text me tomorrow without me taking initiative?"

A bright sunday morning, everything in my room in its place just like i left it last night, 1 sms recieved in my phone. Click* Kendra (:

From here on out is history. The chances of us meeting is so slim, and even when the chance did present itself i was 15mins too late =D and you were on your way home.

Yeah thats how i met my girlfriend. Been over a month since that, and what we've grown into is something so.. spectacular. Something that came by purely by fate, set into momentum by circumstances, fell into place by our hearts.

To say the magical words i love you. Can't even begin to depict the feelings i have for you. I even dare to say that those 3 words are too plain and general to even come close to us. What we have is something that push us to heights past potentials.

Heights that include me being a better man. Potentials that have been set out for me.
And a future for both of us that will make us smile when we look back at everything now.

From Sara's friend to Kendra to Darling.
I won't say i love you, cause you already know i do.

Heck i think i'll say it.
I love you.

=)

I'm starting to find myself to be a nuisance cause whenever i blog its always and only about 1 thing when i do.

2009-03-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

10.03.2009

Happy 1 month anniversary darling (:

In this short span of time, nothing could have ever prepared us for what we had to go through. Rushing into this without thinking, doing things going against all logical thinking and letting our hearts do all the talking. Yes it seems so foolish to the outside world but you and me, we both know just how real and special this connection between us is. And as a matter of fact, the most touching best seller novels on romance all start out something like this (:

What seemed to be a blink of an eye, its already been a month. The days spent walking and talking with you. Sitting in the middle of nowhere just enjoying your company, or even standing in the bus teasing each other. I remember each and everyone of them very well.

Seeing you laugh, smile, frown, cry, sleep, eat, whine, nag, stare at me. It all makes me feel so blessed. Yes you people may think im crazy to enjoy all this weird human notions but its because i love you, wholly and truly.

We've been through our fair share of ups & downs already, for a month in matter of fact. But for the months and years to come [ confident ah! =) ] i'll be with you by your side for each and every one of them rain or shine, life or death.

I know, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. And although i'm real stressed up about what to do for things in the future its something i have to do. I know that deep down in my heart even though my outer self just wants to party the night away for as long as i can.

But for now, Happy 1 month anniversary beloved. No matter how pathetic it seems, its special in its own way.

I love you, now and forever.
Kendra baby =)

2009-03-08T00:09:00.002+08:00

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep

I wanted you to show me what I need

I wanted you to know just how down deep

Change of blogskin, Song : I wanted you. =D

There's currently some adjustments which need t be done for the font.

No matter what, always remember in life there's no solution. Solutions simply mean having another problem created while the first initial problem is temporarily put aside. Don't search for solutions love, opt and seek alternatives. The best route ...

2009-03-07T01:56:00.004+08:00

From the depths of my heart, here's a post to confirm myself of who i am.
Here we go.

I spent my childhood, playing playing and playing. Thats all i can remember. From the latest gadgets to popular activities.

The more prominent memories, started when i was in secondary school. Meeting people, friends, lovers and more. Some who follow up with me till now. Eugene, for one. Who has remained my best friend and god brother from as long as i can remember knowing him. Thanks for being there whenever only people with that importance in my life can give assurance.

Being the way things were, without a god to direct how my life would proceed. I learnt the ways of a delinquent. Wasting my life away, destroying my future. Everyone around me at that point of time, told me i would regret it in the future. Brushing them off, i told everyone, i'm still young.

How i regret now, doing that. When everything's too late, when everything has gone wrong, when its time to redeem myself, when i need everything that needed to be right has gone wrong.

I always planned, knowing full well that 1 day. Someone or something, is going to walk right into my life and make me change. Thing is, 1 day in a lifetime is real hard to predict. That 1 day would summarize everything in the past 19years of my life to naught.

It'll hit you like a hammer, faster than a bullet. And than the regret comes. All said and done, im sitting here wondering to myself. If its too late to start anew? There are things in my life i can't shake off, things that become a part of you. Can i make it even with these conditions?

I have a girlfriend now. And lets all be honest, everyone reading this, all the people who know me. You all know what kind of person i am, what i do in my life. You're all expecting this to go the same way.

I'm going to prove everyone wrong.

What if i tell you, that i'd stop this car and get out. And walk with you till the road ends. Would you hold my hand ?

Looking at the pictures of you. My heartaches so much, the yearn to be who you need me to be.
And the smile i see on your face, that melts my heart each and every time.
The only thing i feel with each embrace is just the want to have more.

Nu ren nu ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng.

2009-03-06T14:43:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the inconsistent posting people. Or if it can even be considered inconsistent. Its amazing how much of a roller-coaster things went from the last post to now, but wherever its taking me i don't have any regrets.

I remember i used to tell people, that we are too young to look cool carrying the burden by ourselves. That we should be enjoying life as it is, no matter what it throws at us.

Well i think its time i started. To carry.

2009-03-05T01:04:00.001+08:00

I came a long way to get this up to my blog.

Im breaking down.

2009-02-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

pictures uploaded. =D

2009-02-27T19:53:00.002+08:00

I think i need to find my own faults and correct them, see the plank in my eye before i judge the speck in yours. Baby i'll be a better man. I'll keep this going, even if left unrequited someday. I'll make all this alright again, this i promise you my love.

I've said it once, said it twice.
And i'll say it all over again.
Kendra i love you.

2009-02-26T21:49:00.010+08:00

Trying to figure out the lives of others, we learned how to lead our own lives.
Seeing the people around us go through ups and downs in life, we learned how to manage our own.
And as we all go through that phase in life, we learn from it and try with all our might to never repeat so.

But yet even so,
When this particular emotion, feeling, phenomenon occurs.
We all go rolling head over heels in despair and confusion even though we've been through it countless times.

Its a real mystery,
Something Newton or Einstein would have needed to live a hundred years longer to figure out.
And Shakespeare two times more paper to document down to produce a good ending to it for centuries.

That said and done,
I know i'm a tad too young to even begin understanding fully what all this means.
Yet again i'm not innocent enough to brush it all off and say " leave it for another day ".

I wreck my brains, pull my hair, cover my face, roll in bed, stare at the mirror. But even so i still don't understand this feeling. I feel like dying, and yet again want to live on to rediscover the feelings another day. Its very contradicting, this whole situation. When you hold me near, i feel so comfortable. That i forget everything that mattered due to absence. I keep smiling, not worrying. And when its me and myself again, everything comes rushing back to me like a bullet. Than i lose control, find it hard to handle everything, and sooner or later break down.

I make stupid decisions based on this mindset. Thinking too much into reverse physcology that i turn physcotic instead. Wishing my actions will have a reversed effect when the probability of it is 2/10 and i still go ahead with it. But 1 thing we all must agree on, some of the craziest things in life also bring us the most unforgettable joys and memories that last us this pathetic lifetime of less den a hundred years. The adrenaline, the 'high', the fuzzy feeling we all get in our hearts. No one alive has ever, solved this mystery.

Love

We all love it, and hate it.
Feel the agony and joy.
Detest it and yet again search for it.
Throw it away and in a blink want to pick it up again.
Make us believe in it so much than in one fell swoop leave us dangling

Why oh why, would we want to hold on to something as vile as this ?

For quite awhile, i felt as though i would never want to ever taste it again. Than i met this girl, not too long ago. In a place you'd least expect, or want to expect. Reasonable logic would set alarms and warn and advice screaming in your head how the probability of it ending up right is so low you'd have to be pretty damn stupid enough to even try. Than again, that's the exact god damned person i turned out to be.

Things were very simple, I liked her, she liked me. The twist to this fairytale is, everything else besides us was very complicated. I don't know now if over-looking it all was even a good thing anymore, but from the very bottom of my now so messed up heart i know that i'd be missing out on the best few moments in my life if i didn't.

Rapunzel went to the ball with prince charming, Cinderella got stuck in the tower with hair growing out of her nostrils and Sleeping Beauty is suffering from insomnia. But the thing with all of it, is the Happily Ever After that always for some sickening reason always appears at the last 3 words of each god forsaken book.

I have a confession to make. I love her. Alright not a very surprising turn of events.

Darling, the tides we're going to have to face are going to be fierce. It won't be smooth sailing at all, and even without judging from matters of the heart i can see hell on a silver platter being served to us sometime soon. By nature i'm not a very confident person, and although with everything i have i want to tell you that it'll be alright i can't even begin to phantom how much i'll being lying to you if i did.

I'll admit, if things currently happening don't change. I might give it all up. As much as it pains me to say it, i know for a fact that being who i am, this cannot do. No, being what we are, this will not do. Sacrifices. How much we hate it.

So it boils down to this. Which would you rather live with, hate for sacrifice, or losing the love you so deeply believe in. I've made my choice, like everything i do in my life. No matter how pathetic i am, how useless i am, the 1 thing. I can be proud of, is my choices.

Baby, i love you. Thats a fact that'll never be changed no matter what choice i make. And though as much as i hate to bring things down to this level, i know i have to. To be honest with you, and myself. This is love.

K.
ily.

2009-02-26T02:41:00.003+08:00

Need to wake up at 12.30pm tmr, and 3am im still here. So yeah, we'll see (: Met up with eugene and ks just now, watch anime and smoked at ks house. Thank god for cigarettes, saved my life today.

Who know's when else will i get out of my house this week. Mendo sai nah ~

You dont know how glad i am that we're in this together.
My one and only.
iloveyou

2009-02-25T11:50:00.003+08:00

Sentosa ytd, not much sun so it was kinda cold. But since guys have 10 times thicker skin i was quite okay with it. Played around, dug a hole. LOL, and it became my burial site awhile later. I'll upload it to blogger if i can, maybe tomorrow or something.

And guys, i have 62 photos from ytd in my phone. I obviously can't bluetooth it all, and my com isn't working properly. So i'll have to do it at someone else's house. Haha so sorry.

Headed over to Haji lane after that, Sheesha and drank. No not martell and all. White wine. LOL ! Yeah yeah a break from all the vodka's barcardi martell breezer's and all and switched to white wine. 2 bottles between 5 of us, got quite high really. Just that the taste didn't really appeal to me, so had 3 cups of it only.

All of us headed back a long while later. I guess the girl working there was tormented by us. Haha, hmm and since i have nothing to do today i may call up Fox. for an interview soon. See how it goes la.

You've told me never to say sorry unless i really mean it. And vice-versa i've learnt how to listen for a sincere apology. So if 2 words which include 1 adjective is able to make everything alright again okay i'll drop this. Well, the main word was if. Which changes the whole meaning of the sentence. So now you tell me what to do, cause im at a loss. Sigh.

Fuck this, i need to hit a club.

2009-02-22T23:29:00.002+08:00

Alrights, since darling said the font for the last post was hard to read i've decided trying out this one and see how it goes. I think it'll add some fun to reading my blog too for certain people. HAHA !

Woke up today feeling a lil excited, for the www thingy but due to bad weather conditions and lack of company we called it off. So met darl at whitesands before heading to Ehub to catch a movie with her.

He's just not that into you.

Not bad, sweet, funny, and maybe can teach some naughty guys out there a lesson or two. Good for couples to watch, helps u learn stuff. Went to ted's for a teeny little while before heading home to accompany my mum for dinner with darling.

Spent about 2hours with her, at home. But it passed really really quick. Sent her home shortly after =)

So now im thinking whether to stay up the whole night later, dota abit, watch dvd's, snack abit, till morning. Get some sleep which i hope will last me till around 2-3pm so i wont wake up too early and have nth to do.

Oh well, i'll see how it goes.
Ps, ii luRbbx Kendra baBiie lotx lotx woRrxx !
LMAO !

2009-02-22T00:33:00.002+08:00

Same routine this morning. Woke up, slacked, and changed to go meet darl. Due to timing we ended up heading to tiong bahru straight away, had subway for lunch, gave away 1 of my cookies to her. Sweet anot?! LOL !

Than baby went for her facial appointment which was intended to last for 2hrs or so. Vain-pot right? But i love her so (: I got no idea what i did for those 2hrs, i remember having me 'teh' at some coffee shop, walking around finding lan shops and none to my dissapointment, in and out of the arcade, than spent a LOT of time in comics images. Saw a few new mangas that would make real nice animes. Sad thing is with my com condition i've missed nearly 1 month worth of anime already.

Strolled over to the neighbouring shop, inquired for my tattoo, shape size colour price and sessions. A little while more only i guess, alrdy got the gist of it just the customisation left. Gotta be real picky on it, its a lifetime thing ya'know?

Sara apparently has friends in AcidCrew that can do it for me at a real low price. So once i get my pay from the job im still looking for at the moment.. Inked (:

Oh, headed back to tamp to meet sara with darling btw. Walked around, slacked at some b.ball court, took pictures. Which im too lazy to upload today, will do so some other time i guess.

Deciding to switch to this font permanently. Depending on how it turns out later when i press the Publish Post button sometime soon. Haha, so plans for tmr are...

Wild Wild Wet =D

With milstein, sara, darling & me me ME X) Been years since i last stepped in. So kinda looking forward to it. But we'll be heading back home early tmr, im expecting to be real worn out after the day. But promised edwin i'd pop over tomorrow at his cafe so yeah..

Sat there after baby went home just now. Was real quiet at the start, was enjoying those alone peace and quiet times in life but not long later people were starting to file in 1 by 1, or groups by groups you can say. So took my leave and here i am at home blogging.

Partly thanks to darl's constant nagging for me to blog. Gonna go dota 1 round or something before turning in tonight (:

Everyday's a beautiful one with you around my love.
You're my love story.

2009-02-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

I would.
I promise you now, my love =)

2009-02-21T00:51:00.003+08:00

Woke up at 12pm today. Remembered about last night and felt real guilty, so decided to start the 1st sms of the day and wish my sweetie a good morning, or afternoon. Whatever. Rotted at home all the way till 5pm. No, im serious. Rot. Sat around, lazed around and stuff.

Baby reached around 6pm, had dinner with her at the foodcourt before heading over to teddies to chill. Met up with keefe and panda there, sara and sng came over to join us shortly =)

Headed over to tamp not long later, had cup corn(which was stolen by eugene halfway thru) before sending darl home personally =D

Yeah so thats my day. Boring? Not quite people, i had darling with me. Times are never boring with her around (:

Maybe i think too much.
Or it could just be my imagination.
But bottom line was that i really didn't feel, at peace.

Whats worse was that i didn't know how to react to it.
So i just turned a deaf ear to everything.
But being as it is, i love you darl.
And i can never resist seeing your name light up on my phone and not answer.
Well at least not for extended periods.
5mins or so to be exact.

But baby i want you to know, you're everything why i live and breathe everyday.
So no matter how unreasonable i may be, darling its cause i love you.

2009-02-19T22:10:00.002+08:00

I really dont get some people you know ? Its not as if its some gigantic sum, yeah so maybe i owe it for quite awhile, and times before when i could pay i didn't. But right now when im really really tight on cash it has to come out now, talk about bad timing. Ahh.. get it over and done with also good la. Than i won't need to ever bother myself with this whole affair again. Finish this debt and *pop* no more strings attached and i can freely walk around without the heavy feeling in my heart saying " i have to see this person again cause no matter what i owe da da da da da". Well thats the only good side i can see lah.

Yeah Panda's out from remand. Went to meet him at century square today, watched him cut his hair and slacked with Thaiboy and co. We really dont do much tgth, just talking mostly. But i really don't know why its always so entertaining around these people. Thaiboy's reaction very funny, something like this happened..

*Got into cab.
Panda : " Uncle, toa payoh."
Thaiyboy : " Huh?! 0.0 "
Me : " Hahahaha "

His reaction la, cause we were supposed to head to Pasir ris from tamp. Than while we were in the cab..

Panda : " i forgot what's the code for rapist inside. "
Thaiboy : " i think dangerous weapon is 300 plus thing. "
Taxi driver(indian) : " 343! "
Me : " Wah uncle how you know? "
Taxi driver : " Yah you all dont know me right? i only a taxir driver right? "
Me : " LOLOLOL "

Well home sweet home after that. Hoping i get too see darling longer tomorrow. But at least we're going out at thats the most impt thing to look forward to for me right now =D

Its times like these that you never expect coming to be the best times of your life.
So all you can do is expect the unexpected.
And all the times i stood watching are turning to times where i stare and gloat.
Cause being the person i am, i love gloating at people that make me ..
Pfft, worthless.

PS. Darl i love you =D

2009-02-19T01:18:00.003+08:00

Long long day, gathered at tamp in the afternoon. Cabbed down to bedok, finished some business there, cabbed to Haji lane with photirat and jia an, sheesha-ed for about 30mins, roamed around bugis, walked to jalan besar than to kelantan lane, watched jia an try on motorbike helmets in me and photirat's amusement, walked to descar road, cabbed to geylang, walked 3 circles in geylang, walked to aljunid, bus-ed to teo heng, sang till 9pm.

I sat down in teo heng's ktv lounge, my back instantly gave in. As usual sang hilarious songs and nonsense there. Katong laksa and pool were next in line, than bus back to home sweet home. I tell you i have so many wonderful ppl around me. Out with them i don't need to worry about money and all, at least its the last thing they'd care about. Well, im in a financially bad period of time for now, but once i get back on my feet it'll be my turn treating okay?

1 day without seeing my girlfriend is really a torture. I miss her like crazy can ? She's the sweetest thing at times. Little actions with big impacts, what would i do without you dearest.

Love takes many forms, its subtle and sweet at times, crude and sharp another time.
However at the end of the day, no matter how ugly it gets, love is love.
You had me at hello.

Overdue pics with the guys, and my baby trying to model. LOL !

2009-02-18T00:01:00.003+08:00

Well, blog is still a lil unstable. With the fonts and everything, keep resizing themselves. Whatever, spent the day with darl again. Accompanied her to republic poly, as mentioned in the last post. Spent 3mins there, than U-turned to head to bugis, again. For 2 whole weeks we've stepped into that place like the 5th time alrdy ? Cine 4 times ?

Had plans at Plaza singapura in the evening so i met up with EJ there while darl went to meet her ex-collegue. Trained back to my place supposedly for dinner but when we reached there was nothing left. Yupp so there went dinner, or supper.

Trained/bus backed darl home after that, which ended up requiring me to cab home. I need my bike/car asap, this wont work out, long term especially. What can i do? minimum length to get a car licence in singapore is 8months. My BTT is in 2weeks time, and i still have a long way to go after that. Sighs, if there was a fast forward button wouldn't it alot simpler?

Speaking of which, 19 years just flocked past. Looking back, its really on fast forward. So people, when you're all 13-16 years of age, please don't admire the 18 and above. We so much wanna be like you, worse off if we're above 20.

To be honest, you're the 1st love to me in many ways. Someone so independent, so clear of her own goals, organized and educated. I've never encounted this kind of life before. And i know its gonna take some getting used to but i know i'll adapt, cause i know what kinda person i am. I guess its just gonna take time, i dont knw how long, but putting your needs above mine, i know it'll be quick (:

And thats how love works. The feeling you get in your gut, the warmth you feel pulsing through your veins. But even more importantly, what you'd give to keep that special one next to you. Its something no one can ever predict, the scale is too out of the box. And its these kind of things that make each and every one of them unforgettable, unique to each person and only to that person.

Loves dishes out many things in its beautiful presence, how we deal with it is another thing. But no matter how it goes, or where it ends up. I'll love you with everything i've got till im dry. Kendra baby, this is for you my love (:

2009-02-17T13:16:00.002+08:00

reality.
life always gives us what we desire for,
its only that its put where you cant spot it. where you need to seek it.
and in the process of finding it, one encounters failures, setbacks and obstacles.
i hope you find what you're looking for baby. keep searching, keep finding. you'll find it, slowly but surely.

life is more than what every being on earth makes it out to be. its only in searching that we realise that.

baby, this post is specially for you. <3
from: K

2009-02-17T13:05:00.002+08:00

Alright, having a lil bit of a time lapse. So things were as how it goes, school-ed to meet Mils and all for lunch, came home to change, met up with Kendra.loves at Tamp awhile later. Supposed to go to Republic Poly but they closed at 5pm while we were still at tamp at 4.40pm.

So, headed over to Katong with Baby and mils. Haha met up with Eugene and the rest at TeoHeng, well baby has never seen a KTV which you only have to pay $3 for your share. Very cute right she ? Don't know what kind of world she lives in, hahas. Had alot of fun at there anyway, practically laughing all the way for the 2hours.

Ate katong laksa, with my soarthroat. And proceeded to ParkwayParade for stupid things, but still funny lah. Michael came to meet us there, and cabbed over to cine cause we initially wanted to catch a movie. But sadly midnight shows just didn't cut it so we ended up heading over to Concourse retaurant/pub/diner which we call "Japan" for supper, pooled before that. Lost the round to baby T.T either i need improving or she's really that damn good.

Sent darl to the bus stop, but she cabbed back anw. Haha, than we started drinking and ordering weird stuff to eat. The 2 japanese aunties were over-friendly, made all of us nervous. Than she came over pat our backs and say "relack-su, relack-su" which did make us all feel a lil better. Haha oh well she did treat us to 2 bottles of sapporo beer, yeah. Treat.

Left the place at 2.30am, cause we were playing Hangman. Haha i know, dumb but very funny. Dota hero names, hard okay. Than we decided to stay the night cause it was alrdy near 3am, took pictures with the group, hanged at 7-11, bought snacks and proceeded to the multi-storey carpark at Plaza Sing, talk crap again as usual.

Changed location to the fountain which was more relaxing, continued our nonsense while i managed to get a 1min30sec video of Eugene red-handed. "KS buay tahan" Haha obviously since my camera screen was facing him throughout everything.

Alright, i need to go prepare to go out alrdy. Meeting baby to rp today, or else she was going to go alone. Independent or lonely? xD she's independent and im prolly lonely. HAHA !
Bye people (:

2009-02-15T20:15:00.003+08:00

Spent V.day with Tampines bunch, sad right? Well Baby was sick so she was in bed the whole day, real unlucky thats all =D But its okay since we got to see each other today for quite awhile. And you guys pretty much can see my blogskin has changed, well somethings still can't be edited cause my computer can't copy or paste at all. Tagboard will be up tomorrow when i do it in school, thats if im going to school i mean.

After editing my blogskin.. it seems my archives came popping out. Over 365 worth of posts now visible right here. You people will be able to see transition of a 16 year old to a now 19 year old. All the events for the past 3 years of my life, roughly tell how and what kinda guy i was then, but you'd have to know me pretty well and long enough to. Unless for some reason you think you do for whatever reasons you have.

Forgot to mention im feeling really sick . Slight fever, but the killer is the bodyaches. I'm feeling a lil better now and have nth to do so decided to make my blog a lil more interesting. Couldn't feel my fingers just now man, that bad. Worse is that my phone now touch screen so when i had to sms Kendra loves i had to see carefully if i was even pressing anything.

She's having a dinner function/meeting/something/idunnowhat now. Miss you baby =) I get to see you again tomorrow so no worries. Just have to get thru this night feeling the way i am now, sick T.T Oh and 1 more thing, if you people got any part-time jobs to intro me please do so, im finding one right now and quite desperate at it too. Thanks =)

Its a long road ahead. And once our destinations are reached, i wanna turn around and look at our footprints. Remembering everything we went through, hand in hand. All the laughter, tears, joy and feelings. Cause its comforting to know, that through it all. You've never let go of me, and i never will i do so too. i love you (:

2009-02-13T00:12:00.004+08:00

Went to school, did nothing, came out of school. lol waste of time, totally. Met up with Baby at tampines inter. Had lunch with mils and aloy, been a long time since i hanged out with them. Headed home with baby later on since i had to stick on my screen protector and trade in my old handphone and collect my desktop charger from the shop.

I tell you, my girlfriend is uber sweet. Bought me a lotion to apply on my skin since i have quite sensitive skin, mild azhemier or smth. Can't remember hw to spell, complicated word. She even wrote a memo to remind me to use it regularly. Sweet right ? Love her to bits.

Yeah for those antenna abit short one, we're tgth alrdy. Attended Boyster's chalet for a lil while with Mr Song Eng and Sara. Will be going back tmr with baby. Not sure if he's chalet is for his birthday or something. Long day ahead, have to wake up to go school for nafa test. Haha, have not attended a single PE lesson since school started. Wonder what will my teacher say, lol.

Quite satisfied with my day today, got to spend time with my love, met up with friends, slacked and smoked at a chalet, used my new phone =D So cya peeps soon. Nights =)

On a side note, will be catching up with old friends quite often soon. So people prepare to receive calls from me even if for some unknown reason to me you dont like me, cause if i called you i think i really like you. Haha.

Time to drop everything that has kept me alive till now,
Cause now i've something to live for, someone worth me changing.
Someone that won't go back on everything at the end of the day because they're afraid.

2009-02-11T13:20:00.002+08:00

Even from the start, i never really kept an eye out for people that leave my social circle. Cause from the experiences i have no one really stays a friend for very long. It takes a whole lot of matching characteristics, interests, thinking, habits and other details to keep 1 connections between 2 people on going for years and years. Exclude the arguments, i have a friend thats been with me for 5 years now and i only recall having a small quarrel with him once.

Thats 1 thing, i too believe that guys and girls can never remain best friends/good friends/sister brother r/s kinda thing. Really, if you believe that its possible please farking slap yourself. You've either not matured enough, or live in a very delusion-ed world, where you want everyone to stay by your side and for goodness sake believe in world peace.

The world doesn't care for 1 person, and not everyone has the luck to do something like Obama or Osama. Unless you do believe you can than yeah im speechless and ill just leave u along to your world-changing-balloon. Sacrifices are made everytime, you gain something at the cost of losing something. Wanting to keep everything will make you lose everything. If you can't understand something as simple as this than yeah you're better off playing Barbie and fuck Ken in your pink house.

I'm not pointing any fingers at at anyone, people who know me well should understand im talking about the majority and i don't ever flame people on blogs. Unless you're some bug-eyed 100kg fugly alien, than yeah =D haha that'd be a fun post.

I know you're strong,
I know you well enough.
Thing is i never did any of this thinking of how weak you were.

Besides, losing friends ?
I'm a guy, throw something harder at me. Please.

2009-02-09T23:45:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to be using my LG viewty now, but sadly my lazy mum really pulled her stunt and i didn't get to get my phone today. So she promised me she' do it at office tmr since she works at Singtel and their Main Hello! shop branch is like 8 floors below her its really convenient xD

So yeahs, ended up spending my day here at home for nothing, in vain, down the drain, all for nothing. Rarrh ! its nearly midnight can ? Well my handphone is starting to ring less often now, this is what happens when you go missing in action a.k.a MIA from your previous lifestyle. Although there are still certain responsibilities i can't avoid, im still around lah peeps. Give me a call yeah ?

Promised vincent and co. i'd club with them the next round. Thing is i wonder when is the event gonna happen, but ill definately be updated so what the heck =D Oh and to Miss S. ; dont feel too bad. You've got kendra, song eng and me to help you. And since song eng is practically half useless you can just depend on me & kendra =)

The night yet again brings its subtle coolness,
And a moon's fullness signals the mid of a cycle,
With this i know, that we're a step closer to affinity,
A little closer to destiny, like the withering petals of a rose.
Im drawn to thy love.

Romeo never met this girl, so his poems would never beat mine.
Its simple.

2009-02-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

Spent the day with parents, Japanes food, a little shopping at simei after that. Getting my phone tomorrow, so excited can ! Been nearly 2 years since i last changed my phone. Transition from keypad to touch screen =D Will be fiddeling with it tmr night, confirm !

Went down to aljunid to find Kendra loves after that, spent 4hours there. Doing nothing much, chit chat, eat(watched her eat) and thats pretty much it. We spend so much time together, and it just flies past so quickly. Its true, time goes by quickly when you're enjoying yourself. Undoubtedly im smiling ear to ear just being with her. Confessions okay ! =)

Wanted to type a long post out, but this is pretty much all i have to release. The rest is well, only mine to keep. So yeah you peeps can keep thinking about it for as long as you want but goodluck =D

I thought about everything and anything that could be.
But none of that could ever help me expect you from happening.
So girl i wanna tell you, you're the best thing that has happened to me.
I'm sure. x3

2009-02-07T13:36:00.003+08:00

Caught Underworld ytd, its true. Guns and heavy artillery still suit it better. Leather and pvc still rock more and No one can replace Kate beckinsale, period. Swords and siege weapons dont cut it out for vampires and werewolves although they did originate fromt he medivial times. Whatever.

Lady Gaga's Poker face is really addictive. Swear ! Remix editions will really really fucking rock the dance floor. Its trance/techno/techtonic thingy... really rawkzx !

42inch plasma just came in this morning, thought it'd be really too big. But after putting it up we figured we needed a bigger one, since my house is even bigger. Prolly a 50inch would be just nice.. Add in a PS3 and god i may never step out of my house for months.

LGviewty im coming ~ if by luck i can meet my mother somewhere today or tomorrow.. i'll be a real happy boy =D but till then im stuck with this pathetic excuse for a phone. Sad aye ?

Oh well, im waiting for someone to come down to pasir ris and meet me later =D Gonna go rot peeps, cya later !

Waking up each morning, i know i'm that much happier x3

2009-02-06T11:29:00.002+08:00

So i managed to retrieve DeathWish from ks, i found it familiar at first. Only noticed what it was 20 seconds later. Now im addicted to it, my gosh. hmm woke up at like, 11am today. 8 hours of sleep, not so bad la considering the long day im having later. Thing is i got no damn idea what im going to do next 5 hours. i might play dota, for a lil while. Maybe go down buy cigarettes ?

Won't be clubbing tonight, sorry vincent & co. I know its been a looong time since i clubbed with you guys and that its boring without me there =D but ill arrange to meet up at 1 event sometime soon. Preferably mid feb yeah ? Kinda busy at the moment and cash is running short also. Plus this event doesn't seem to be nice lah, what school uniform shit. I know there'll be angencies there with photographers but they only want girls what not guys. So i really don't see the point getting hyped up over this one. Next one, maybe =)

Watching "Underworld : Rise of the lycans" later okay ! Excited bodoh ! i really like the underworld series but thing was i only turned 18 by the 3rd installment to the series. Haha ! Can't wait to even hold the tickets. Okay i know im over reacting but.. consider it a guy thing.

Milsteins chalet today, Happy birthday bro. 19th year for you already, sad its the start of the year so you dont really get to enjoy being young. Hope all your wishes come true. Will be seeing you guys after my movie. Oh and i wasn't wrong, Jap's back. Hehe this is sooo fun. I wanna go colour my hair T.T

Okay off to make some french toasts for myself. Bye hunks and babes.
The best thing of all, i get to keep you.

2009-02-05T14:10:00.002+08:00

Office was terrible ytd, got dragged there. Meeting went on and on and on, so i plugged in my ear piece and off to lala land. LOL ! Finished and went to accompany my dad a lil while, than met up with kendra and carol later. Watched them eat than headed to tamp to find Sara aunty, who took 1hr plus to eat and come down.

Slacked drank nearly 3 cups worth of tea before heading back, eugene came over to my place. Stayed awhile than i got changed and headed over to "Japan". apparantly its situated next to the coffee shop i always hang out at after clubbing and above the lanshop my friend works at.

Hot sake, salmon sashi, miso ramen and sapparo beer. All on Eugene's tab, my 5 year best friend since sec school. This is what you call brothers, through arguements and everything we never bad mouth each other. Yeah there are periods where we can't stand each other but its never a permanent thing. We learn from each other, teach each other, laugh at each other. Guess we just click very well since the start.

Saw many "waitresses" walk past the shop, i really didn't know it was available here in a shopping center, in town to be precise. Hahas, cabbed back in style to my place with ks, watched funny videos on Youtube on his Omnia under my block. Fucking cracked me up, the singing korean guy, the sneezing panda and so on. The rest of the night was spent with Nescafe and our own jokes, you'd expect it to be boring right ? But really practically laughed till 7am, and knocked out the moment im home on my bed. Must be the Sake, or beer. Whatever.

Woke up and replied Kendra sweetie. And yup here i am in front of my com rotting, most likely to end up at some coffee shop later, got a BIG BIG hunch it'll be that way for today. Haha ! And i swear the psp is 1 damn usefull gadget. Music, videos, games, so so battery life, good graphics, wi-fi enabled. A mini com with alot less buttons, and its portable !

Finished my last stick of the pack i bought ytd afternoon. Reds ley, im gonna die T.T less than 24hrs omg. Feel so fucked up. And didn't attend school today either. Guilty there, but i'd really really much rather stay at home like this. School sucks to the core, Period. Alright end here, gonna go chat on MSN. The only program working on my pathetic fucked up com =D

I never thought it'd be this beautiful.

2009-02-04T11:01:00.002+08:00

Loaded this page late last night, was planning to post how my day was up before.. Si xian sms came in waking me up. 30mins more im heading to tamp for my haircut, thinking of getting a real funky one. Leaving the fringe as the only long one, but that would eventually either make me look emo or something else. Japster is prolly gonna come into fashion soon also =D im soooo happy if that happens.

Went to school ytd though, at least its as effort ? Haha partly cause i had nth to do at home after my asthma attack at 5.07am in the morning. Lasted for about an hour ? Than i was nearly back to normal so i used the com or something, can't really remember. Left house for school shortly after cause i could't take it anymore at home.

Nothing special at school, came home straight. Proceeded over to La Salle with kendra for her audition, so its like very stressfull from what i heard from her. Did some research on it, and found out they were scaring you. So have fun reading this =) True there's the 2nd so called exam to see whether you can go for degree course, but its not only 16 people. Its way more than that and not that difficult to go up. Apparently i wanted to ask why but obvious reasons would be for $$ cause the course fee shoots up, alot . So yeah hope this will be helpful to you kendra (",)

Headed back to tamp around 8.45pm, fatty called. Met up at 505, walked all the way to T mart. Got updated on news, and seems its gonna be a real busy few months. With Tampines 1 opening and all, small boy coming out in 2 months, so should i be looking for quality or quantity ? Not even sure if i can handle the adrenaline myself anymore. Growing old xD

I grew up on the streets, fighting and stealing.
And good things didn't come my way easily.
But if it did, i'd know how to treasure it dearly.
So lighting my cigarette on my bed, im thinking.
This is far from a game, cause if you lose. You're dead man.
Thats love, worse than any knife i'd face in a fight.
Is to face the uglyness of rejection.

2009-02-01T12:44:00.002+08:00

31st City Live at Padang,
If i said it rocked, there'll be a queue of people waiting in line to take a turn at slapping me. Reached there around 10pm ? Waited till 12.30am outside considering whether to go in or not, i mean.. " sha lalalala, sha lala in the morning ! " I stood there snook at the music, but found out it was at the other place later on in the night and since i was alrdy there just fuck it and go in la. It was more like a tourist attraction event la, singaporeans 30% ang moh 60% who knows what else 10%.

Free drink coupon was entitled to vodka and beer too, which song eng couldn't finish no matter how he tried. Tar finish my cup, kick not coming, tar half of song eng's cup, a lil kick coming, 15mins later toilet break, considered heading over to another club for awhile. Then boyster said the music was getting better, so headed back in... Kick came, didn't stop dancing till the end. LOL !

Cabbed down to Cineleisure cause Sara wanted to eat at HongKong Cafe for i dont know what reason. Drank their milk tea, really not bad. Kendra went back first so we ended up outside there slacking till 5am, which i thought was end of midnight charge, but sadly i was wrong. Haha !

Cab fare amounted to $26.40 and im home sweet home by 5.45am. Slept till 11.30am and here i am rotting my day away =D at most i'll go to some block laze around till evening then home. BORING ! someone call me out.. pleaseeeee !

2009-01-30T02:12:00.002+08:00

Been a LONG time since i blogged, nothing much to rant on about. Same things this year lurh i guess, visiting for CNY, gambling was a little better, drinking was bad. Got real drunk 2 nights back, real drunk. Can't remember much, everything in my mind is in lapses. Oh well i got home safely so whatever.

Went to boon lay with wenfen to collect her phone, she treated me to NewyorkNewyork ohkays ! =D i'm a happy boy today. Boon lay was lively compared to pasir ris, the 2 different sides of singapore. But seriously to go there for shopping or eat or just to spend the day is really crazy, the train ride is madnessssss. Luckily me and fenny have loads to talk about. NO mp3 came out during the whole trip okay ! Total of 2hours worth of transport.

Gambled a little and lost the measely amount of money i had left. Stashed away the main portion safely somewhere so i wont have the urge of using it. Only those really REALLY close people/person will know where i'll keep it =)

So yeahs, have no plans for tomorrow. Going to see who'll be the kind soul that'll call me out or the so thoughtful friend that remembers me and wants to rot their day away with me =] interesting right ? i love my life too ! Haha not that it'll last being this way also la, big changes for me coming sometime soon. Doubt i'll gain any new faces but i know i'll definately lose some. Saddening but so very true, here's a piece of life for everyone to enjoy with a cramped face =D

The ball's started rolling, lets see where this goes.

2009-01-25T12:31:00.004+08:00

1st things first, my com has fucked up on me. NO sound, NO start menu, NO programs working. I can still sign in on msn but conversations are another thing, im glad firefox still works so i can be here rambling.

New year's eve people, reunion dinner tonight. And tomorrow im gonna go visit my ancient relatives, that only speak hokkian and who knows what others. I'm not excited or happy or.. whatever festive mood? Its so much different from when you're young, that fluttery feeling in your stomach everytime this time of the year comes by. Missed my 17th year because of something, 18th year opened my eyes, and now 19th, what happened to all the fun ?

(Edit)

I suddenly remembered what happened on last years chinese new year visiting. Guo ping was overseas, yong jian and linda was over at aunties house having dinner and couldn't come out till late, which left with Milstein and viola, me and li jia. And yes the seperation of commas are exactly as u think they are. I still remember 2 others or so, but bad day because mils and viola argued, over attitude problems. Me and li jia followed suite not long later, over gambling or something. All of us ended up downstairs smoking and the cold war ensued.

Blood really got to my head that day. Hahaha but at that moment i never imagined things would lead things to where i am presently. And i bet, each of us regret a little bit of what we did back then. I bet that deep down each of us wished that we'd have said 1 lesser sentance each. Oh well things are over now, and like they say, out with the old and in with the new (dont mean it that way). So lets see what's with this year new year =D

2009-01-23T00:20:00.002+08:00

Stared at this page, for a long time. Thinking about my day, the things i did, the people i hang out with. Than it stopped there, rummaging through the names. It stopped on yours. Than i thought of your face, you voice. What came after that, was only me rethink everything again. But other than that, i have nothing else i wish to post up here. Yes i could explain in detail how my day went, but whats the point if everything goes back to the starting.

Just standing there, not hearing or bothering about what i heard. I didn't realise i had alrdy picked my side, who i should speak up for. I didn't bother about the reasons, to me what only mattered was how'd you feel. But at that moment, i too felt so helpless. No matter how strong i'll be, how much respect i get, how knowledgable i am, how well i can talk back to people. None of it would matter if i'm not fitting to or have the RIGHT to do so. So i just stood there, pondering, hiding the rage.

Consiously im ignoring the facts, overlooking everything and avoiding eyes. But right there, somewhere somehow, within the broken pieces of my heart. I'm looking out for you. I try so hard not to, playing this game with life and logical explanations to justify my feelings. You don't read any of this, and maybe i feel a lil safe that none of this will reach your ears.

i wish i was stronger, wish i was more patient, wish i was so much more than what i am to you. People are turning their backs to you, i watch it happen everyday. But i know im not the cure to it, and even if i am thats all im gonna be. Heartbreaking as it is, i have to let go.

So yeah, like you said. Time will work its magic. Till then, i wanna remember this pain. For as long as it can, how sharp it may get, let it kill me inside. Maybe 1 day, when im dead and through, i'll get back up again.

People weave in and out of our lives,
You see them lose their importance over time,
I can see it wavering now, leaving nothing but trails,
But this heartbreak, its not finished and over with so soon,
So once more, break my heart again. Harder, with more decisiveness.
Kill me 1 last time, and make sure i don't get up this time.

2009-01-21T00:31:00.003+08:00

Spent half the day at home, rotting and reading and who knows what else. Came out to meet panda, keefe, wenfen, gabriel & janelle. Eat slack joke for about nearly 4 hours at coffee express and 418. Time really flew by =D

Bought a new tongue stud as the replacements were all temporary and irritating the shit out of me. Cleaned up my room too, reunion dinner this sunday, then i swear i need bring extra phone battery out the next few days after that. Lucky i managed to find a working ear piece so answering calls won't be that difficult anymore. Need to plan my schedual into 2 parts, east and west =D if im gonna travel without arranging i swear ill spend more time in public transport rather than visiting.

Suddenly out of words, oh well. I guess i need to find a new bunch of friends.

I hope, sincerely.
Time won't heal this wound of mine.
Please stay, as long as you can.
Cause i know that its real as long as i can feel this pain.

2009-01-19T22:07:00.002+08:00

No. 365 post for this blogger account. In other words 1 year worth of posts. So, whats changed since the 1st post to this post ? Well i can't really remember much, but i know my ex-girlfriend created it for me. The 1st post was also made by her, subsequently the rest were just all my ramblings.

School, tampines mall, pasir ris. Slack all the way, see i reduced it to only 1 word per post now =D Panda came over to look for me, walked everywhere with him. Damn sick of his face, haha joking. I'm home early today anyways, before 10pm infact. Amazing right ? Planned to keep at least 10 sticks with me by the end of today but it seems im short of 2. Oh well, its enough to get me by tomorrow so what the heck. Already planning to skip lessons tomorrow, do something interesting instead.

On a more personal note, woke up real early this morning. Had a nightmare, but i can't put my finger on what it was anymore. Scary / Sad enough to jolt me out of my sleep anyways. Sat there reliving the moments last night, a tinge of regret and sadness overtook. Stoned there for what seemed like ages, before i got up to go to school. The days ahead all look so similiar to this one, i can see it coming.

I'll never know if i did the right thing,
But it'll be as if i never existed, leaving no traces of myself.

I'll admit this,
Days your not around feel so glum.

Don't worry,
Times when people ask you where i am will pass soon.

But through everything said & done,
You're someone very dear to me, special, irreplaceable.

And though it hurts like hell,
I hope you find someone that'll be more than me.

This is what, how, why,
People love.

2009-01-19T10:30:00.003+08:00

I would very much like to say, Fuck friends. Right nw, but that would contradict everything i've put effort into up till now.

I would very much like to lock myself up in my room listening to music the whole day, but there'll be people asking me to get out.

I would very much like to sit there and think for hours, thinking of why and how, but all the thinking would be useless anyway.

I might start hating you, for this.
I might irk at the sight of you sometime soon.
I might change and go back on all the words i've said.
Why'd you toy with my feelings than throw me away like a rag doll.

Why ?

2009-01-18T01:43:00.002+08:00

You can pretend you dont know anything,
Or even turn away on whatever you know.

But the simple fact remains,
Even if these words dont reach your heart from here,
I'm doing everything i can to make sure everything else does.

Cause here's my promise to you,
I'll stand up for you, even if this world goes against you,
You can count on the fact, that you have me right here waiting.

I don't give a damn about what people say,
I don't give a damn about what they think about you,
The only thing i give a damn about is whether one day you'll be mine.

Even more now then ever, while i still have the opportunity to say this,
Celestine, i love you.

i'll never be afraid to say it.
Not even infront of you.
Its real, believe me

2009-01-17T03:09:00.002+08:00

Attended a funeral at queenstown this afternoon. Met up with the rest at tampines mall at 5pm ? After a long 1 hour journey that is. Slacked at krtc with the whole bunch, wenjie's bike damn shuang la can. Went over to meet ah xiang and the whole bunch awhile later, then back to tm again to walk around.

Not much slacking involved today, just the same plain fun with the NOT so plain people around me right now. Who knows when the day will come that we no longer go out playing and laughing like we do now, but its comforting to know how much i'm enjoying myself now. And that its real, not something that we realise it was a dream a few months down the road.

I love you more then what they say,
I may be stupid and dumb, but the facts remain.
I might never get to see the day that i wish and hope for so much,
But i don't regret going through any of this any bit at all, because i love you.

I'm sorry,
I'm such a bother.

2009-01-15T11:59:00.002+08:00

She’s going out to forget they were together,
All that time he was taking her for granted,
She wants to see if there’s more,
Then he gave she’s looking for.

He calls her up,
He’s trippin’ on the phone,
Now he doesn’t want her out there and alone,
Now he knows she’s smiling and,
Knows she’s using it,
Now he’s loosing it,
She don’t care.

Everybody
Put up your hands Say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feelin’ good now
Don’t be afraid to get down say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”

He was always givin’ her attention,
Working hard to find the things she mentioned,
He was dedicated,
By most sucka’s hated,
That girl was fine,
But she didn’t appreciate him.

She calls him up she’s trippin’ on the phone
Now had to get up and he ain’t comin home
Now she’s tryin’ to forget him and
The salary came with him
When he first met her
When they first got together

Everybody
Put up your hands Say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feelin’ good now
Don’t be afraid to get down say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”

Feel the beat
Feel the beat
Feel the beat

You got nothing to loose,
Don’t be afraid to get down

We break up it’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay
Let it go
Get out there and find someone

It’s too much to be trippin’ on the phone here
Get off the wire
Now everything is good here
Stop what you’re doin’
You don’t wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
Find a new one

2009-01-15T00:51:00.003+08:00

Well i guess its safe to say its a pretty good day today. No shag feeling after you went home, quite an enjoyable day out. Didn't plan to go with it in the start, but then again had nth else to do today so what the heck. Penni to shop, talk cock chit chat eat slack then down to Tmart meet big daddy.

Training, got my hip bone injured, again. I now can see why Pes C1 L2 alrdy. Here i thought they were just exaggerating on it. But from the looks of it, my time's up =) Its time to let the next generation take over, my show's over. Time to settle down, get some income. Waiting for wenfen's call now, i can actually type a blog post out. Imagine how long she's taking la can? I want sleep alrdy. Rarhhh !

I'm a boy,
So much in love with a girl.
She's all i think about,
The only thing i want right now.
Times are complicated,
But the love remains simple.
Something everyone felt before,
I feel so strongly for you right now.
I don't mind letting everyone know who you are,
Because for you i swear i'll defeat everything that gets in our way.
Celestine, you're the one i want & love.
And although i can't say it to you, i wanna let you know.

You're everything in my life now.

2009-01-12T20:38:00.005+08:00

So yeahs, been busy this few days. I guess. Can't rmb what i've been really doing la actually, mostly shopping and more shopping. Bugis, taka, bugis again. Managed to finish new year shopping 1 week early. Which is good also because ill be damn busy this week. Been living the life, which in direct translation means " kanina spend alot money liao sia now pok alrdy" and im left not much in my bank account.

Woke up at 6am today, asthma acted up. Slack at home, watch anime. Slack somemore, went down to meet guo ping, chit chat, waited for celestine outside school, SLACK again, then teoheng for karaoke ! Cabbed home straight, didn't want to slack anymore cause i want to reduce slacking from 4 words to 3 so and so forth. LOL

School tmr, meeting yaofong to go woodlands for i dont know what the fuck. Meeting wenhui there, i suppose? Panda pua stunt with me again today. Quite an enjoyable day, i guess ?

So yea, i thought i'd give it a shot. Seeing whether things would be as normal as i expect it would. Good news! it is. Bad news! its too normal. I know, i'm picky. Over-sensitive, emotional? for a guy that's suppose to maintain a certain calibur which precedes/meets the expectations and opinions of people. I'm supposed to turn 19 this year, i guess 12 days into the new year isn't enough time to pull my socks up. Well the worst is yet to come, its as they say. Maybe im just a tool, a stepping stone, a substitute, another pit stop. A day that was supposed to make me feel like im on cloud 9 is instead making me feel like im in hell. I wanna try, to make this the last post about you. I promised to stay happy the rest of my days. No doubt, i am spending 12hours smiling, but undoubtly im also spending the other 12hrs sulking over you. I can't understand why you affect me this much, why every little thing you do makes me feel so happy and vice versa me sad the very same way. I don't understand, why am i suffering so much. i KNOW, its not as bad as i say it to be. In fact some people might consider me to be contradicting my words. I know it all too well, i've tried ending it. Then i turn 1 whole round and place myself back on square 1, pathetic eh ?

So now, after going back 1 whole round to where i first met you.
Nothing's changed, after 1 exact whole month of spending time with you.
I can't explain how much i love you, how much i think of you, how i much i care for you.
Its killing me softly, day by day it gets worse, decoding all the actions, affection and acronyms.
I keep going back to square 1, the 1 same place, 1 whole month later, i can only decipher that i love you.

I'm happy and sad.
Contented and greedy.
Loving life then again hating it.
So full of it yet again so sick of it.

Contradicting.

2009-01-09T00:26:00.002+08:00

So yeahs, many unhappy things happened today. Had to see a what i thought was a close friend leave, for good. But i can tell it brought everyone else closer together, so here's a promise from me to you guys. I wont let any of you down. I'll do my part and i'll do it good.

Completed 1 compo and im here to blog, practically have enough of typing and im alrdy exhausted from everything today. Tomorrow i have a meeting with SH, not going to go smoothly i propose. Need to prepare many things before that, i'm nt gonna serve myself on a silver platter.

Julia's BBQ at night, hope nothing happens. But like 2 of my friends say, come out chiong is like that wan. Who know's how Barry boy is going to die 1 day, but it don't matter at all. Cause even if you tell me that i only have 5mins left after pressing publish on this webpage left to live i'll just lie on my bed smoking my last stick away smiling and remembering every face i know. My friend's are my most impt thing in life.

Slowly fading like leaves off the old maple tree,
i so very much want to tell you i love you.
But i'm afraid of the answer,
So i'd rather remain behind and love you from afar.
Because i never want to wake up to the day,
knowing i can't love you anymore.

I very much feel like dying right now.

2009-01-07T23:16:00.003+08:00

My days aren't getting any better, even though im trying my VERY best to be as smiley & happy & full of joy as possible. Met up with gabriel & janelle at tampines, booked a shirt at 77th streetto be collected this friday. Headed down to central to eat, saw clinton and all at the alteration shop.

Went down to downtown, wasted money on the machines while waiting for sally to come. Caught the movie Bed time stories with them, quite nice really. Funny in its own way. Walked to central after that to see gabriel have his dinner then bused down to krtc to meet ben.

Talked alot with yh & co. Came home after that and tadaaa im here right now infront of the com. Spent my day with a heavy heart. Infact the past few days have been so gloomy. I'm sad, very sad.

But i cant do anything about it. Because i can't bring myself to the fact, the harsh fact that i know deep down in my heart. I can't ignite the start of the end, so im going to say it all out here. I don't care who's going to see this, or who is going to come calling and sms-ing me how i'm doing, am i okay, what am i going to do. I don't care anymore, i feel very very sad inside. I try controlling it, keeping it in. But everytime i sit here alone, my mind just keeps going on and on about it. The sad love songs that keep repeating in my computer, or the pictures that don't mean anything. i don't know when did Barry become so weak, so fragile, so pussy like. Its time like this i feel like throwing reputation, pride, face all away. Cause i don't wanna care about how people look at me anymore. Go ahead, say "wah barry so emo, someone like him sad over this kind of thing, not man sia barry, so ah gua."

The one stressing, is me. The one hoping, is me. The one feeling hurt, is me. My friends look at me, they know what im feeling. They ask how i am, and i really wish to tell them truthfully im okay. But when i mouth out the words " im fine" i feel even more depressed. I'm NOT okay, im fucking down right shag. I'm upset, i'm scared. Its because i love you. You hear me ? i love you.

I've heard so many things. And they ask me why? even though i know it all. Maybe, im not entertaining enough, not fun to be around with. I dont know what i did wrong, where i went wrong, what is wrong with me. I don't know anything. I'm at a point where i don't care anymore. Cause i've had ENOUGH of this, of waiting for something that would never come, of being there just in case, of being the cushion to the fall. I'm sick of it.

I know, i'll regret this. Regret typing this post out. But i'm not backing out, not gonna save this in draft and post it another day.

In the short amount of time i got to know you. I fell for you like bee's to honey. I thought, there was something between us. I gathered courage to ask, only to get set back. I enjoyed your company, so much i didn't want to jeapordize it in any way. I swallowed it. Kept it in as i watched you drift away. I wondered why, i wondered how. Up till now, its only getting worse. In this short time i knew you, you will be the reason why i'll hurt for the long time i'm gonna remember you. But in this short period of a dream, like any other dream we all chance upon every now and then, i was truly happy. Smiling and laughing like i've never done so. The kind of peace in my heart that only you can give, is also the only kind of torment you'll leave. Im not blaming, scolding or lamenting. I'm saying it here, cause i can't explain it to anyone, cause i don't have the balls to tell you straight. Cause all i want in your presence is just plain happiness & none of this at all. Maybe after this post, we may never see face to face again.

The fact is i love you.
I won't promise things like forever, i won't promise things that are impossible but nice to hear.
Cause im different, not the kind that goes away after a few months leaving nothing but scars behind.
i'll only promise 1 thing, the truth that i sincerely love you.
You will never see the tears behind my words.
And although it kills me deep inside.
This is the way its meant to be.
I'm 1 hopeless guy.
End.

2009-01-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

How did things turn out this way.
Freaking depressed, dont talk to me.

2009-01-05T22:06:00.003+08:00

Been feeling real moody this few days, sorry to the people i've shown black face or attitude. Or sorry for sitting alone at a corner myself and keeping quiet, i tend to do that when im not feeling very happy at the moment. But i still do laugh alot, and i'll try to be a happier person starting tmr :D

Walked around tm, met up with a few people. Talked abit, than smth happened, shall not elaborate but i panicked and didn't knw what to do. But everything calmed down a lil while later so its alright. Watched celestine do homework and rub her Domo-kun all over her face outside krtc before heading home.

Barry ah barry, its time to get your act up together. Stop being so spineless and have that confidence in yourself that was there only a few months ago. i know i can do it :D

No more sad poems,
Or sad phrases that depict my life,
Cause from now on, im gonna make it a happy one.
This is it, its my time, Berries is back to stay baby oh yeah.

(Edit)

So yeah couldn't find much things to do in front of the com. Decided to type some nonsense here, if there is nonsense to type also anyways. Got debar-ed from tomorrow's morning lesson while the afternoon lesson has been permanently taken off so im OFFICIALLY on off day tomorrow :D

I'm gonna sleeeeep in for tomorrow but to do that i'll need a schedule for tonight's events. Cause i really dont wanna be sitting here till 3am where i'm finally sleepy. Talked to tiffany on msn just now, felt alot better. Thanks :D i know what i should do now.

Thinking back i've really been a fool, like what i used to tell myself. We're too young to look cool carrying the burden all by ourselves. Maybe i've changed alot, but we're all humans. And its only natural to keep moving forward, to grow, to learn as each obstacle stands in our way.

I've got a real big one in my way now, but by hook or by crook im gonna get by this no matter what. Nothing in this world, will last if its something based on emotion alone. The things that really last, are all decided upon, not by feeling but by a choice. Feeling and emotions change like the seasons and fade away, but if its a choice, made by yourself, then the only way it'll change is if the whole person changes along with it.

An example would be... if you're gonna marry someone cause of feeling alone. What if 1 day that feeling fades, does your marriage go along with it and die ? The word 'i do' means so much more than an agreement, it on its own is a choice decided by the feeling called 'love'.

Why am i preaching on my blog ? This is what boredom does to you, oh well. New year resolutions.... i dont bother making them cause i knw ill never get it done. But if its for the sake of saying than it would be to.....

1.Quit smoking ?
2.Quit getting into trouble.

Thats about it. LOL ! Simple ! Good start ! K, end of report.

I miss you so.

2009-01-04T22:10:00.002+08:00

So here's a post for today DONE today. Haha time lapse la siol ~! but didn't do much also la, woke up and rotted at home till wenhui called. Went to cut my hair, and back to 418 to slack. Just when i thought i went back to being full-of-life again, if u get what i mean.

Lonely day infact, came home at 8pm. Early right ? i bet my father was shocked to see me walk through the door when the lights were still on. Can't help it also anw, got school tmr. But i swear ill be out of that place before 2pm, if not i'll die. See what my plans are tmr when i wake up in the morning. Cause i seriously cant think of anything right now.

70% chance ill end up at krtc. Maybe i'll go play pool for a lil while, its sad for us tertiary students. Cause the end of school holidays dont bring the 1 single good thing of missing your friends & that you'll get to see them again kinda thing. Either way without a phone you're NOT gonna meet your friends in school. So you kids out there, restrictions ARE good sometimes.
Sometimes!

Oh well, its approaching the end of the day. Another experiment gone by, another failure, another beating, another answer. I'm gonna go brood over the same things tonight again, saddening but definately not something you can just leave hanging like that.

Forgetting all the hurt inside you learnt to hide so well
Pretending someone else cant come & save me form myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes forget the wrong i've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Dont resent me when your feeling empty
Keep me in your memories
Leave out all the rest.
I'm so afraid to say i'll give up.
Cause i really dont want to.

2009-01-04T13:44:00.005+08:00

You know, i never like to be confident about stuffs ?
Cause to me its a precaution,when it really does not go according to plans.
I could just sit back and tell myself, i saw this coming.

You know, i want to know whether all this is only a coincidence.
Cause though it seems that its not, where are you when we're miles apart ?
I want assurance in this, i want to see it coming.

You know, i'm really happy right now ?
Cause spending each day with you, is a joy i feel at the bottom of my heart.
I never want this to end, never ever.

But with new happiness will come new troubles, i stay strong for people to lean on.
But when my own troubles come along i dont know who to rely on, who to go to.
But time and time again, when it seems its swallowed my heart whole.

All you needed to do, was talk to me.
And everything in this world, seemed like it was meant to be =)

If this ain't love then Shakespeare's were for nothing,
Like the way i convey my feelings into words,
Or the perspective that you view with,
You'll never understand it all.

Ask me why ?
And i'll tell you this 1 thing,
Shakespeare didn't meet this girl im so much in love with.

2009-01-03T01:12:00.004+08:00

Woke up at 12pm today, slacked at home before going down to central to meet celestine and my bro plus his friends. As in real blood bro, chit chat slack away at the coffee shop. Headed down to 418 to slack again, waited for janelle and gabriel to come down. Proceeded to Ehub shortly after cause it was boring at 418, decided to catch Ip man the movie while wenfen came over to join us. Some stupid things cropped up outside Ehub, stressed myself up a lil before going in to watch actors get beat up badly. Haha nice show :D

Walked over to coffee express with keefe to meet wenhui & rayna thr, slacked a lil, accompanyed her home, and back to 418 to slack somemore. I realise how life-less i am while typing this post, its like the 3rd or 4th time the words popped up alrdy. Anyway home sweet home after that and yupp im rotting infront of the com now.

Had a great day irregardless =) Started out as a boring one but ended as 1 i'll always remember in time to come.

Try as they may, they'll define what's been said between your heart and mine.
Its special, in its own way.
Uniquely, agreed on.
One & only, you.
Fell hard.
x3

2009-01-02T02:15:00.002+08:00

When you let you're hair down, you become the prettiest thing to me.
Walking towards you, even your back view reminds me of so much.
The way you speak, laugh, smile, they way you are, i love it all.
Thinking through the word why, i'd never thought this would be the answer.
Girl im addicted to you.
The type of things that make you wonder so much all alone in the middle of the night.
Its swirling around in my head.
Cause whenever im not with you, i lose my smile.
Really its like going back to the past, when im with you.
Its exactly this feeling, this exact same feeling.
For what happened before you, im walking out of it now.
& once everything's settled down, let me show you the shape of my heart.

itily.
No, i know i do, Celestine.

2008-12-31T02:26:00.002+08:00

Maybe its my fate, that all things i really want go this way. Considering to spend new year's day/countdown doing smth less flashy or nth at all. Last min plans always work best for me i guess. Damn shag, going smoke 1 last stick and then its off to bed for me. Nights everyone, have fun at countdown (:

2008-12-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

Forget the past, look forward. I hope you'll be mine somewhere soon.
x3

2008-12-27T15:17:00.003+08:00

Christmas is over ! haha, eve met up with the boys at Ehub slack smoke chat away. Christmas day went drinking with roughly the same group at Pasir Ris park, celestine and girl girl came along :D Drink drank drunk, laugh and laugh and laugh. Really fun & i still have half of the martell with me, celestine say want save it for drinking another time. Most probably new year's day with everyone ba.

So yeah i only need myTop man jeans left. T.T expensive sia $88 but very nice, casual but not too shabby looking also. Really jeans material at that, not those $18 dollar kind of "denim" jeans you see around. Mummy bought me a Ellesse watch, really the best mummy anyone could ask for. Guilty you knw ! partly cause im such a useless son, haha ! My 2 sis bought me shirts, 2 DKNY tops and CKmen's perfume, she still tell me. Part 1 of presents over le, now part 2 ! hahas

Gonna go get my hair done, soooooon :D thinking of whether to get it styled or leave it this way. Hmmm ? Ask khason on tues, knowing him he wont let me leave my hair flat lah anyways. Monday will be busy, tuesday cut hair, wednesday settle debts & countdown, thursday dinner with celestine, friday stay home rest from hectic week, saturday meet the boys, sunday... family ?

Will upload some pics from drinking session soon, need chase ppl for money and pics. Sigh, ohkay going out with family for movie then meeting Cass sis and Hann at Tm later i guess ? Busy day again, alright see ya peeps soon :D

2008-12-23T00:39:00.002+08:00

Look at this 2, seriously don't know what to do about them. LOL !

Met up with celestine, si xian and james ytd for movie. Bolt not bad la, quite cute. Celestine cuter, popcorn eating machine/never watch movie before ah kum/only sua teng laughing in movie alone. Haha slacked at downtown mac, 418, 230 whole night. Boring la, need to find a life. Met up with moses, zhi hao & celestine just now also, not bad la the cookies, really =)

So tmr im gonna rot at home till evening before preparing to attend some stupid function in some place in singapore. Pointless stuff, please confirm with me on christmas eve if you're coming.

Thanks PEEPS !

2008-12-18T04:05:00.000+08:00

=) unexpectedly, my patience isn't as long as i thought it was.
Its running thin like stream, and i dont know when i'll burst.
Cause each day that goes by it gets worse,
this feeling of wonder,
the loneliness,
the pain,
the fear,
the hurt.

Sometimes i ask myself, when ?

2008-12-17T02:55:00.000+08:00

The days grow colder, the nights get lonelier, the people start losing their shine.
Maybe its the way i blog, of how i treat everything i type like a painting.
Or how i try to make small straight-forward things seem like its a whole complicated affair.
Hey maybe its the friends i have that surround me which makes me this way.
Sometimes i rant on and on about nonsense none of you reading can decipher.
Maybe everytime, not sometimes.
Where are you ?
=/ i think i miss you.
How long will this last ?
What's tomorrow going to be like ?
=[ him ?
QWERTY (O.o)
i don't know what im saying.
Nope i'm far from crazy just a little mad.
The smile on your face.
The truth in your eyes.
The touch of your hand.
You say it best.
When there's nothing at all.

Where am i ?

2008-12-14T22:59:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me.
=)

2008-12-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

Went to TeoHeng KTV for Panda's birthday a fews back. Really enjoyed ourselves, im really glad it was all good for panda. I'll let the pictures talk, so here goes. I'll really miss you buddy.

When you're out, i'll make sure there's a party that'll rock this island.

And when its all said and done,
I still can't deny the fact and the reality,
Of how much i love you.
Broken down inside..

2008-12-11T01:52:00.000+08:00

Maybe i regret saying what i did.
Cause letting nature take its course may have been better.
Or maybe i'm just that evil,
Cause the feeling im right felt so good.
I could just be crazy,
Its a fact i love having the adrenaline of problems.
But 1 thing true,
I can change the fates of the people around me.
Benefit or loss, heck its your choice.
i know what im doing.

2008-12-08T10:39:00.000+08:00

Alright, met up with lots of peeps ytd. woke up around 10.30am ? Trained to bedok to meet cleomine to slack & we ended up meeting janelle and the rest in pasir ris awhile later cause bedok is a really boring place. Amazingly i know her only through chalets, clubs and friend's friend kinda thing, she stays on the extreme end of singapore while i stay in pasir ris but we get along very well :D

Met eric at bedok randomly and made plans to go slack with him later also, ate at coffee express with keefe "the gay boiizx" janelle fetus and jeremy before taking bus 17 to send cleomine back to her friends place and headed over to kembangan community center to accompany keefe with his takagawa nonsense, which made me end up heading back to pasir ris alone after keefe "the gay boiizx" pang seh me there.

Slacked and drank at Teddie's for about 2hr's, lame jokes and everything as usual and caught up with a few old friends. Got another BBQ coming up and a real big one at that, recieved the invitation from linkin ytd. Honoured sey ~

Edwin gave me offer of $16 bucks per jug of beer, me is happy to the max bodoh. Atmosphere also not bad, cheap beer, nearby (no need for taxi back if im drunk or smth), owner of shop is a friend :D i suddenly find life so meaningfull(again).

Sorry cleo for nt replying ur sms last night, 2.30am im alrdy asleep la dey, i didn't expect your "later i use my friend phone text u kays?" to take 3hours later. Haha im either meeting janelle and rest later OR heading over to woodlands area for awhile also. Depends on the situation uh, and janelle has been really funny past few days. BEST to disturb, damn funny. And she can take it as a joke and not get angry, best la dolphin, withered cabbage, cat. LOL

Cya sometime soon.

2008-12-07T10:29:00.001+08:00

You'll always be a part of me, i'm a part of you indefinitely.
Girl don't you know you can't escape me,
Oh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

And i'll linger on,
Time carries a feeling this strong.
No way never gonna shake me,
Oh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

I know that you'll be back girl,
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder,
i know that you'll be right back.
Oh baby believe me its only a matter of time.

Ironic.

2008-11-26T20:15:00.001+08:00

Im feeling irritated and sad and god knows what else right now. Im thinking about it all day all night. So many things i wanna say, yet everytime i take out my handphone and stare at nth i feel even worse. A few moments later i feel lonely, then i think of what it could have been, whether it was done rashly. Sometimes i type an sms out, think for a min before i press Send then delete the whole thing. Believe me i didn't want things to be this unhappy.

I understand you, i know how you feel when things happen, i know what you like and dislike, i know where you like to go and what you like to do, i can tell when you're down and sad, i know how to cheer you up,
i love you.
We remember how we met, we remember what we talked about the first few times, we look out for each other, we never betray each other no matter what, we can't stand it when people badmouth things bout you or me, we can look at matters in the same direction, we make it through thick and thin,
We never got to be together.
You cheer me up when times are bad, you're there to console me no matter how many times i repeat and whine on the same subject, you're there to lend me a shoulder when there's no one else, you keep me company when im alone, you never continue with topics we talk about that might lead to an arguement, you worry a little bit when im in trouble and never fail to ask me to take care, you make me want to be a better person, you make me smile when i wake up in the morning and see your sms, you make me worries when you're out late at night without me, you're enough a reason for me to stay up the whole night just waiting for a call from you, you break my heart whenever you cry, you make me feel very sad when at times you just don't wanna talk to me,
You are the reason why im smiling all this time.

Cause if its really the end of the road here, i don't wanna leave anything unsaid. i don't wanna regret anything in the future when i think about you. When people mention your name to me months or years down the road, the image i wish to see pop out in my mind is a happy one. One thats full of laughter, the things we used to talk about, the times we went out tgth, the friends we shared happy times with and most importantly. The kind and thoughtful friend you always were to me. Yes, im a selfish person, cause the only way i'll stay, is if i know i have a chance.
Cause i know, forgetting you, will be harder then forgetting any girlfriend i've had before.
Cause of a friend like you, i cried badly when i knew i had to leave.
Cause i know you so well, the only way to find your smile needed me being gone.
Cause i want you to keep smiling, i turned my back on you myself.
Cause of you, i can't help feeling this way.
Cause i love you, i really want to go back on my decision.
But because of myself, i wanna hear you say it.
Do you want me back ?

2008-11-26T16:56:00.000+08:00

Where do i begin?
To tell this tale of what seems to be full of sorrow & regret.
When from the start.
We were smiling ear to ear almost all the time.

Sitting there.
Listening to what seemed to be thoughtless mutters.
It got to me.
Of no relation it may be, but enough to make me cry.

Hearing what you said.
It felt like a needle was pressing down on my heart.
Pushing and pushing.
The tears just came down even though i was holding back.

I'm still alive but barely breathing.
Just praying to a god that i don't believe in.
Cause i've got time while she's got freedom.
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

While im wide awake she has no trouble sleeping.
What am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you.
What am i supposed to say when im all choked up and you're okay.
Im falling to pieces, & they say bad things happen for a reason.
When a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

Spent the night at keefe's house.
Amanda came down to join us shortly.
Talked alot bout alot of things,
Was i kept in the dark on purpose ?
Cause after hearing that ytd,
i really felt like i did the right thing.
I believed you... but now im so disappointed.

2008-11-25T12:04:00.000+08:00

I lost a very precious friend today
& a very special love as well
Maybe it was a rash move after all
But whats done is done
& i know words like that can never be taken back

I cried, like a farrking pussy.

2008-11-22T12:48:00.005+08:00

Its this sinking feeling every morning that makes my days so fucked up.

And when its night it gets so cold and lonely i just can't get to sleep.
But somehow im happy remembering the little things i used to smile about.
The kind of small meaningless things that provide no logic at all.
Things like..... blweu

Ever since i found you, i wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that i need you.
Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and,
you're somebody that i found just in time.

If you want me to wait, i will wait for you.
If you tell me to stay, i would stay right through.
If you don't wanna say anything at all, i'm happy wondering =)

Don't tell me the bad news, don't tell me anything at all.

2008-11-21T16:40:00.000+08:00

Was walking home from whitesands, quite early in the afternoon. Wandered around there for about 3hours? had Macdonald's breakfast alone then decided to head home. Junction before my house, Bang. a comfort taxi and a Black Mazda collided, taxi skidded very near to where i was standing while the black mazda hit the curb on the other side of the lane.

2nd time my heart skipped 2 beats and my mind went blank staring at the taxi. No one screamed except for the guy coming out of the black mazda shouting for an ambulance. The front of the mazda gone case, the booth of the taxi worse still, tires completely burst which made the "explosion like sound".

Thats that, and im off to a BBQ. These things need attending to.
And im somehow wishing somewhere that i was jaywalking at that moment.

2008-11-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

I feel like dropping everything like a stone,
i feel like changing over a new leaf,
i feel like running away from everything,
i feel like shutting everything out from my sight,
i feel out of breath out of hope out of solutions,
But even if i let go everything i never thought i would be so affected by 1 thing.

I never did put it to heart,
because i thought i knew everything about you.
But when the facts stare at me face to face,
im dumbfounded, desperate, clueless on what to do.
Half of me is finding where i stand,
the other half just wants the smile to stay where it is.

I fell so hard once,
took awhile to recover from the wounds.
Least when i expected,
im now free falling to what seems to be a bottomless pit.

Amidst the chaos & the confusion,
there's 1 part of me thats very clear.
I doubted this Barry for quite awhile,
thinking it was a phase thats going to pass.

Swayed by words i see,
pushed by emotions i feel.
Dragged by feelings i can't understand,
stabbed by the pain of memories i put behind.

I've become someone i can't be.
Breaking down has never been so eminent.
But i know i can never accept this fact,
No, i will never accept the way things are going.

Now my insides are all turned to ash, so slow.
And the ray inside collapsed, so cold.
Than the clouds above moved closer, looking so dissatisfied.
But the heartless wind kept blowing, and i used to be my own protection.
No, not now.

I'll give up my rank, i'll give this life up, i'll forsake all my friends,
to change this path i see coming, cause i see what's important now.
I might not have the broken parts i need to see, but i'll fix up this puzzle.
Cause im very certain, i have the smile you need to go this journey without regret.
Start over..

Im more heartbroken than sad,
Im more sad than worries,
Im more worried than bothered,
Im more bothered than heartbroken.

But at the end, you'll always be a part of me.
Time really flew, and now i know what i should do.
It really was only a matter of time.

2008-11-19T17:49:00.000+08:00

Okay, its either i dont knw where to start, or if i should even start relaying the events. From the very start of the chalet problems were arising, could't get room key lah, applicant not answering phone lah, no confirmation cannot continue lah blah blah blah. Waited it out, finally got in and the normal BBQ session started, chit chat, ate drink joke around. In my case playing around for around 2hr with flour water bombs pails, rubbing against ppl with my sticky flour-y body and taking photos. Messed up my hair which i took special time to make but it was fun lah, laughed damn hard.

Late night came, and the crowd wasn't really going back. Some of them drank in the room, buying seperate vodka's/tequila and if i rmb about total of 4 bottles? Birthday toasts was enough to make me drunk before i could start drinking on my own accord. i only remember people running around in the room, screaming, puking, laughing, flashing lights. Funniest thing was suddenly, POP ! out came wenfen infront of my face amoung the commotion. She either came in quite early and i took quite awhile to notice her or my reaction slow. The nonsense continued for awhile before i decided to close down the first day of my chalet, with me half drunk. Fen took good care of me, at least i can remember that bah, she dragged me all over the place. haha! cleaned up, walked wenfen home tgth with mils before accompanying mils to walk home via connector.

Waited for wenny fenny under my block for awhile before heading home to bathe and change and down again to coffee express for supper, or for my case fruits and teh bing. Chatted with shan for about an hour ? or so, damn cute lah i laughed till i was sober. After that walked home with wenfen chatting away till nearly 7am in the morning, i dont how how we can talk so much. But eventually we fell asleep also la, woke up because she wanted to hear some koala bear song and watch japanese game shows on youtube. I ended up laughing my guts out watching it also lah, fucking stupid. Fell asleep after that again, till keefe The Gay Boizx came over. Talked a little, then headed for breakfast/lunch at whitesand, slept at wenfen's living room after taking a Flu pill, and felt much better after that. Luckily she dolled up in that amount of time, or i swear its gonna be boring waiting for her to put on make up for EST : 2Hours and counting. Walked to chalet, Oh and FYI this is already the 2nd day of the chalet, the blogging sequence so weird cause of the time lapse.

Didn't do much there but Wenfen and Cass sis accompanied me back home to cut cake with my family. Very usual conversations with my parents with ALWAYS dont turn out good, except for my Mummy who is always so good to me :D and from here on out. If you know about it don't talk about it, and if you don't, please don't bother asking about it. Its all still a whirlwind in my head, and im still confused, and hope things get sorted out real soon.

Thanks to everyone that came and wished me. Despite the conditions im really happy most of you guys stayed and waited it out to the end with me. Thanks everyone.

And for you, i don't have much words of thanks.
Its more of gratitude, to have someone this caring.
Thinking back through everything, you were there every step of the way.
You know, i've never had a friend like this, and i dont know how to deal with this.
Whether / how i should repay you, accept such kindness and act as if its nth and smile.

You had my attention, i wouldn't care if everyone left the chalet as long as you were there with me. The smiles and laughter we share are different from the ones i have with the rest, and im very thankful i had someone like you there for me all the way for the 3 days this torture has been. I'm 18 here on out, and if things are gonna be like this for the next part of my life..

i don't wanna see anyone die, but i'd hate to see you leave even more.
Cause in life, why it happens is never as important as how you deal with it.
i've never needed anyone this much in my life, everything's alright, when im next to you.

2008-11-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

Club, clubbed, clubbing, clubbed-ed, continue clubbing.
Paramour 3 was quiteee fun. Except for the ridiculous amount of ppl the event would have been a blast. Wish i had reached alot earlier lurh actually, but okay la. There's the "prime" time to stay in the club, when your blood's rushing, when you feel the adrenaline, when the bass is pounding on your heart, when you see the girls doing their things. =) Heaven.

But it does die down lah, den you go down for a smoke, see familiar faces around, chit chat. Cabbed back home to tampines with Viola Lam and walked home from there. So random to meet her there, wanted to borrow money from her and this was how the conversation went.

Me : " eh viola where are you?"
Background music : " BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM ! "
Viola : " HUHHHHHHHH ???? I CAN'T HEAR YOU ! "
Me " You at a club isit ? Paramour @ Gotham Penthouse ? "
Viola : " HUHH? MILSTEIN NOT WITH ME ! "
Me : " -_- "
Me : " sms you suah "
Viola : " OKAY OKAY ! "

Ended up only meeting her at the END of the event, cause my stupid phone died on me. Came home charged my phone and realised Wen fen thon-ed outside the whole night, chatted with her till 6am before knocking till 3pm the next day. There onwards is crap, but my birthday is coming in 3 days. Excited/irritated cause the chalet is giving me problems, so many invited people YET i can't confirm whether its on or not, fucked right ? I can't imagine how im gonna explain to everyone, " eh sorry ah chalet cancel !" -_- shoot me.

BUT im going to club next week, still can't get the adrenaline out of my blood, and im gonna keep going till im drop dead sick of it or BROKE.

psst ! when i grow up - pussy cat dolls
unforgettable moment there =)

2008-10-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

From the time i posted the last post and to now that im posting this current post i swear i got no clue about what i've been doing everyday. If i were to really wreck my brains the only few things i can think of is, KRTC, Ehub, home(computer), KRTC.

That was my holiday infact, now that school's started, its currently :
School, home, Krtc, dinner, home, school, home Krtc.

WOW huh? haha, i do rmb sleeping over at my # 1 Boy keefe chua house a few times, convenient lah, sick of my own home anyways. Watched The Secret at wenfen's house, around last week i guess? She said its sad but i hardly caught any balls even though the credits were alrdy rolling, steamboat with the whole gang also. Gabriel, aloy, amanda, sally, janelle & keefe.

Wenfen's bbq was okay, very homely feeling. Barcardi-ed the night away at her house, i rmb playing the guessing number game, guessed 7 out of 10 times correctly. People had to help me drink, lol if not i would really be drunk.

So for the next month or so, i have another 4 more BBQ/Chalets to attend. I swear i need to find a girlfriend, its getting really really REALLY boring alone la. Ooh ya, fell sick 2 days ago and i'm only feeling better today, and the moment i am i take the chance to go out and enjoy. Got to try to quit smoking, excercise more, and maybe MAYBE study. Okay forget the last part of that sentance.

For years, i've been the one crying.
I thought it was just a phase we all go thru.
But now i realise, its just my heart being weak.
So this time, no matter what, i will not cry anymore.
This time around, i'm strong.
Yeah wo shi superman, Yeah ni shi loser.

History won't repeat itself, not now.
Not ever.