--

I have honestly never, expected a period of time like this to come. Maybe i was overconfident, arrogant or some people might say, ignorant. However, i'd say it was just the usual hard headed me. Refusing to bow down to anything that forces itself on me, resisting the waves that come pounding on my soul.

Though this time. I really can't find the strength to stand up anymore. It isn't the same, this time around. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know i'm drowning, and even though i'm eaching for the dim light with everything i've got. Some things, are just like you in the deep blue ocean alone.

Every single rule, that i have lived my life by.
Ima wa, saigomade da. Watashi wa, mo shinjiranai. Hotoni, gomenasai.

It took me this long. To realise that. And how things go beyond this point, how i will begin to look at things in this new light. Where i'll end up, who i will become. You don't have to worry, you've changed me, from the inside out. You tore me to pieces, and left me to pick it all up again.

Thank you. With this, i think i can face the world now. When it rears its ugly face at me again the next time. I'll be prepared to accept it. Because you have forced me to, as much as i detested it. I stare it head on now.

Welcome back Barry. This is the world. She is the results of it.
You can't escape it. Embrace it.
This is my life.

They say guys are all bad.
When girls like you, are the precise reason why guys turn bad.
/-
Because when we give our all, and hope for a future.
You flip open a book, and give me the regret that'll last a life time.
/-
And after everything has been said and done.
At the end of the day, all you can do, is sit there and watch. Enjoying the ride, as always.

1st day of work at Airport division. I can very much say i hate it already. That place is where i'll be spending the rest of my weekdays of the 2 years at. Leaving house at 8am in the morning and only returning at 6pm. No friends to talk to, no company that understands. And the worst thing about it is, its the place where information about almost anything and everything out there passes through.

And i see and hear and read about all of them.

I can't help but feel the pain of the victims, imagine the plight they are going through. Even newspapers of the day recount of incidents where the victims were wronged so badly, but everyone reading knows that the very scenario of it would place the victim at " you should have expected this ".

I don't feel sympathetic or sad for the person, don't get me wrong. After all i've been through, i can only say to that person..

You deserved it.
You should have known better than that.
You were courting trouble.
You had it coming.

And in the public eyes, they all turn their eyes to the accused hatefully. But for me, i can only look at the victims boyfriend. I'd like to be there with him, to talk him through things. To give him a pat on his back without saying anything, anything at all. Because the most meaningful things, comes without words. Because man cry not for themselves, but for their comrades.

And my heart goes out to him. Whoever you are, whatever you are doing. Stay strong, do what you must. And don't let anyone, say its silly pride. Who ever you are, i hope you're doing fine. They were wrong for what they've done, but she's condemned even more because she allowed it to.

The cruelty of this world is as such, we can only stand by and watch it revolve. Pushing it just makes it worse and going with it is inhuman. This isn't how life should be led, not against your morals. And even if it costs me more than what is considered stupid, i'm holding out for as long as i can.

Because every man is only as good as he is bad.

2nd April 2010

Amazing isn't it, how time flies by. Its been exactly 2 months since i enlisted into the Police force. 2 months of grueling exercises, shouting, sweating, sleeping. Yet again nothing's changed at all. It isn't like how i imagined it to be, than again what ever is.

I remember clearly that morning when i woke up. Spending the past 2 nights with u beside me, waking up an hour earlier to have my last few cigarettes. Packing the bag with stuff i need, sitting in the car on the way there, giving you that hug right before you left the place.

Back then, i always looked forward to weekends. Telling myself, " Just a few more days, just a few more. Than i'll get to hold you in my arms again. ". Than there are those days, when i wake up at exactly 5.30am in the morning. Remembering the dreams of the night, clutching my pillow so hard.

What kept me holding on, was the fact that it was possible. That if ignorance was bliss, than we were bliss too. The thought that at that very moment, when i asked you if you were willing to hold my hand through a journey that would be very much alike to hell. You said yes.

With just this 2 things, i thought everything was possible again. Even if not as much, i still believed. And i thought that mattered to you, because the events that night mattered so much to me. And maybe some part of me still wishes to remain ignorant to everything, but yet again, being the one that knows and wants to stay. There'll never be someone like me again.

Cause there's nothing left for anyone to know. I took it all, clutched it close to my heart, and let it unfurl all its fury unto me. Its the 1st time, in my whole life. That i've stood there, not knowing anything to do, just simply dumbfounded. It felt like someone very dear to me just died, and though i don't know what the feelings like at all, after that night, i really don't want to know either.

I thought i was strong, that i'd be able to take everything and anything life throws at me. That to every problem there's a solution. I had always led my life that way, and everything was going so smoothly. And even though there were people out there that wants to come and burst my bubble, i was strong enough to keep them away. Yet the one to manage to burst my bubble, was let in by me.

2 months down the road, i saw the 2 things that kept me holding on dwindle. Backfiring on me time & time again. Maybe i should have known that it was impossible to begin with, and that is my fault. The amount of things that died that night, it can't be brought back by sheer will. I guess i'm starting to realise it now.

When right now, i turn around and see your sleeping face. The innocence of this girl, the sleeping face that i want to protect so much. That because i'm important enough to know, its too important for me to just stay. Arguments are a bad thing, especially if it only goes around in circles.

However i just can't do this to myself. The conditions i laid out on the table, the things i expect and want. Those are the things that give me the will to believe again. Because right now i don't have the energy in me to trust in it again. I need a foundation, to lay my bricks on. And right now, i don't even have a piece of land to start on. Hoping the grass is greener on the other side, i'm looking over the fence to yours.

Just that, you don't have the space in your heart to share it with me. Because the bricks i lay up hinder the things you want too much, that you rather do the things you want. I don't know how long this will go on, because we're already so entangled together. With so many hopes pinned on me, i won't only be letting myself down. But the people around me that i've let get attached to you too.

To every problem, there is a solution. I've found the solution, its just out of my reach.
This poison, its going to kill me. Very soon.

Enlisted to Police Home Team Academy on 2nd February 2010.

Seriously didn't expect this day to come in my 20 years of my life. Really thought i could push it back as far away as i could. Oh well, with growing up you find that getting over with some things is the best solution at times.

With all the problems i carry in, i hope with such passage of time it'd all resolve. Thank you darling for spending the past 2 nights with me. Its the best thing i can carry in right now to tide me thru these 10 days.

Why do i feel like i'm about to take a 10 day tour into the depths of hell. Virgil would be smiling now i guess =/ Well as i'm listening to my last bits of music that always made my mornings better..

Darling if you miss me ever during these days. Come back to this page cause right here and now i'm telling you.. That wherever i am and whatever i'm doing, I'm missing you very much & you'd always be at the back of my mind no matter how many push ups i have to endure.

Its been a full year of knowing you.
And i love you.

Take care my love.

I never thought i'd ever be in such a loss of words ever. I don't know why things in my life are played out like this. There are things that yes i am thankful for, yet again there's a whole side to it i'm not. Even right now, i don't know why i'm here. The only thing i know is that the urge for me to be here is at its strongest. Where not even my own thoughts can stop me.

Whenever my mind reaches the crossroads everything comes up to me in an instant. I don't know what to do, just staring at the helplessness. Of how it could much worse than i imagined, and deep down i know that it is. All because, i was that kind of person. Its something born from within, and its addictive. Its not something people will push away just like that.

Yet again. I did. With your best interests at hand. Picking myself up from everything i used to be. I never ever knew, how much it hurts to fall again. And the worst thing about it was, i sincerely thought i'd never fall with you.

I've always been the pillar. The 1 pillar that will never break, standing there thru rain and shine, no matter how hard the storms hit i thought i had it all under my palm. But why is it right now i'm staring at my hands in such agony. That everything i stood for has just flew out the window.

Even before i could pick everything up it was already too late. Already too late.

Maybe my approach to things is wrong. Maybe i need to find a new way to everything. Instead of safeguarding everything precious to me i should just let go, and take everything in my stride. But what kind of person would that make me? I don't know how i ended up like this. But i don't like leaving problems there to disappear by themselves.

No matter how hard it is, whether its impossible for me to do anything, how meager or important, i've never ever run away from anything. BUT WHY IS IT NOW THAT I HAVE TO BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE OTHERS BEFORE ME ON MY SHOULDERS ALONE.

I don't care if its selfish, or its my perception on things that leaves no space for others. Its hurting inside of me. A little jab every now and then, reminding me that its still there & its not gonna go away just yet.

And neither do i want it to in someway. If i let something like this get by me, being defeated by it. And due to the course of time letting the wounds heal. I'd never ever be able to put it behind me. Everytime it comes, i lose all senses in my body. I just blackout for a moment and there i am right there. Next to you. Experiencing it 1st hand. My anger, my fear, my hate.

I hate it. I really really really hate it. Please make it go away. I don't want it, i really don't. I'm not strong enough to complete this hurdle. I want to wave that white flag and just surrender. Changing everything i've lived my life being who i am.

Cause even before i could fight back. It defeated me.

I never thought i'd feel this empty. I really truly thought everything was behind us, and that'd we can move forward together facing the hurdles that come by together. That i'd never have to fight alone again. Naive i may have been, but i couldn't help it. Being with you.

The times i spend with laughing, talking, playing, accompanying, hearing you ramble on and on, where have they gone? These ghosts haunting me. I can't do anything about it. Wave after waves, it comes crashing down on me. Something so big, staring me down. Almost jeering at me, knowing i can't do anything to stop it. Laughing at how i can't even run.

It feels like you were never with me. Not at all from the start. That this past one year, which now when i look back, can see no significant you. When right now when i turn around and see your sleeping face. I can still ask myself, who is this girl?

How we met, the people we were when we talked, the things left behind when we got together. Its the you from my ghosts. You are something i have to face, something i have to defeat, or stride over. But don't you realise, i can never do that.

Without losing you forever.

Is loving you so wrong? Why is that i have to take so much punishment. Is there something waiting for me at the end of this tunnel? Where the light at the end of the corridor is? I don't even know, i really don't. I want to think that there is a place existent, where these pains are not there.

I've tried my best to explain my situation. Where i'm stuck at. And i don't even feel the slightest relief from coming here. Not like the times before when i rant everything out. I have at least a clear head for the moments to come.

Its shrouded again, every few minutes that i'm breathing. When i sleep at night my mind wonders onto it, and like a slideshow it plays on & on. The anger, the rage, the hurt, the fear in me swells up the moment i wake up. Recollecting everything that happened. I just feel like dying.

How wonderful it is, to be able to slumber peacefully. Nothing to fear, nothing to lose. No pains from this world to injure you. Yet again, the fear to get there. Is something not everyone can accomplish. And perhaps, there is where my milestone lies.

Till then, while amongst all this happenings. Let this serve to help me remember. Who i was, who i wanted to be.

And everything that has begun for that to be possible.

Haha, been very long since i blogged ? Wonder if within the next week will anyone even read this .. well do leave a note if you do. Life's been good, more or less anyway. Luck's not been on my side recently. 1 obvious thing would be my $200 fine fron NEA.

But nevermind, i've been living the good life for a very long time. About time something like this came along to remind me of what's ahead. Ahead, haha. What a word, 5 letters than practically mean everything.

Darling, You decide what is given and what isn't. Its your life, ultimately. And i only ask for 1 thing from you, and in essence its one of the most abundant thing around. But yet again, when you think about it. Everything else needs this to exist at the same time.

Work requires time, playing requires time, eating requires time.
And yes, that means that my very existence is of the same value as any of the above. Because all i ever want, is your time. Cause while everyone overlooks something as important as this, i want it the most among everything else.

" A priest once met a beggar outside his church begging for food. And this particular beggar was in fact a very well known priest & a very dear friend to this priest years before. After approahcing and realising so, the priest handed to him 2 pieces of brown bread and some water. Out of curiosity he sat next to his old friend and asked, " what has happened dear friend, to put you in such a state ?" . The beggar told the priest, " Oh friend, nothing drastic or dire had happened to put me where i am now, its by my own will that i wish to be who i am now. "

Now this startled the priest a lot. And he asked his old friend " why is it so ? ". And the beggar told the priest this,

" Would anyone else rejoice over 2 pieces of brown bread and a cup of water the same way i do so now ? "

" Sometimes in life, you make a decision not to become the very thing that you hate in your own life. But as years go by, without realising it you turn more and more into it. "

I've lived my life never regretting anything i decide on. And i've vowed never to become the man that my father is to me this very day. And i realised long ago, that it isn't because no one cares when i fall. But its because of what kind of treatment do i want to feel, when i fall, that matters. And in turn, i will only seek that person that can make me feel that way. At the end of the day, it resides on who you want to fall on instead. No one's actually ever gone.

And if 1 day i do fall apart, its you whom i want to fall onto.

Baby this is for you. To serve as a reminder for your emotions.
i love you so much, i really do.

And i'm sorry. For not showing it more.
However darling, i cannot be there all the time to help you control your thoughts.
Don't let it get the better of you, and when you start to ponder that i don't care about you anymore..

Always remember i have you in my heart, always.
No matter what.

I never thought i'd need to come back to this page for something like this ;
Well at least for an extended period of time. Its been quite awhile, i'd give myself that. But in the end its still the fact that i have to come back here to let it out. Who knows who's gonna read this and when. Even i dont keep track of who has access to my blog anymore, cause to me its become nothing but a place for sad happenings. For recounts of things that you want to leave a memento on to look back at after some time.

True. I know i have my faults. I know that it'd take a character much stronger than mine to make me realise it. Or something with a big enough impact to. If this is how you want the cookie to crumble i can do the exact same thing.

Who's tired of what ? You've changed and tried and given yourself credit that you never thought you had in you. Read that again, and again. Run it through your head.

Let me spell it out for you what it means.
" You don't have what it takes to do this."

At least that of which you don't know about yet. Which in turn means your letting all of this happen without control, loving ME without knowing whether or not you can do it or not. Putting everything we HAVE up to CHANCE.

Let me re-count. YOU said that you're trying so hard.... to do what ?? Leaving things to chance requires that much effort ? Well than for my part i know i've put in my share of "boyfriend" . And yes it comes with the problems of time, friends, money, school, emotions, feelings. AND yet again, i go through it all for you.

BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES IN ME TO LOVE YOU.
TO LOVE YOU

And here you're telling me. That you've loved me this much that you've never imagined possible for yourself. What justice.. No, not justice.. So this is all i deserve ? That the fact that " you've loved me beyond what you thought you could've have " is supposed to make everything alright. For everyone that knows to sympathise with you for being in a relationship with me ? Is that it !?

Why is it that i have no problems with the things that you have problems with. Realise it now please. Its not that i MUST have the last say. I have the LAST say because I'VE PUT EVERYTHING I HAVE INTO MAKING THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK. THAT GENUINE EFFORT IS THERE, THAT I KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME TO MAKE THIS WORK ; that gives ME the last say.

Because something that you have outside of yourself is never in your control. Because something that you " thought you never could do " would not be clear enough to you to understand its nature. Of how it comes about, of why it happens.

Let me tell you something. I understand, not KNOW. Of love, much much more than you. From just the simple statement, in reply to your own statement.

I know. I have it in me.
To love you.

" Marriage is never based on feelings, because feelings change with time even if in mini-portions. But a marriage is based on a decision, because a decision cannot change with time. "

It seems you've decided you've done.
Enough already ; it seems.

This post. Is my last say.
" When a heart breaks no it don't break even. "

I, I don't know why I miss you so much.
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch.
You, you left me feeling high and dry,
With nothing, nothing but the question why.

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction,
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection.

If you call me today,
I'll say that I'm fine.
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice,
It's just a lie.
You knew what you had,
You still walked away leaving me in this mess.
My love for you is deep and meaningless.

You, you knew what you were doing to me,
And I, I guess I was too blind to see.
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad,
But I'd do it again to relive what we had.
Damn that's sad.

There are many things left to remind me.
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me.

I seem to have lost sight, of everything i wanted it to be.
I seem to be in despair, although everything is calm.
Than again everything isn't as it seems.

I remember thinking.
Of making the most out of it.
Instead of crying over spilled milk.

To master emotions, control time, putting on a mask.
Till the day it becomes pointless, i do it all for you,
Miss Independent.

Stayed home today. Except for macdonald's breakfast at ws and my house mini-mart for a pack of cigs i've been dying here for hours already. Might have an early night later on, going for mother's day lunch tomorrow. Bored stiff now, been staring at nothing since i came home from whitesands.

Advanced driving theory test on monday. E-trial before that, so i hope i can pass it straight and start learning how to drive asap. Expecting myself to take the car out at night for supper when everyone's sleeping. But first, 100 rounds around my car park. If not i'd probable be in CGH when i do take the car out for a spin.

Parents been nagging the whole day. When i do stay home for the day, i suddenly remember why i always hated doing so from aeons ago. After tomorrow i'd only be home for sleep, other than that no thanks. School's schedual is lighting up on me, won't be as busy i guess =D

Will be meeting some friends after school on monday, and i end at 5pm =( see how things go than. If i'm too shag or something like that i'd most probably head home to sleep, or something like that too X)

Dinner's gonna be ready soon i hope. Than head down for a smoke, and back to rotting for a few more hours before i turn in for the day =) Have fun peeps !

" Time goes by, never stopping for anyone, not hesitating for a second to see who's left behind. Thats the cruelty of it, and the ironic beauty of it. "

-Barry Nicholas ong

I'm not one to say, that experiences in life are nothing new to me. But let me relive this old-tale once more. Not too long ago, when everything in my life was just about to change, i used to think i had this special someone. The kind of feeling that it'd last forever ? Where we have this floating feeling of everything's going to be alright.

Scary how familiar it is to you people? I've watched it pass, not only in my own relationship, but in friend's that confide about it to me. Of how so similar the symptoms are, the causes, the consequences. " Once bitten, twice shy " Maybe.. thats the cause of why i'm feeling like this at certain times.

Undoubtly, while you're by my side, the world doesn't matter. But we've all outgrown the stage of being ignorant to whats happening, we forsee, we plan, we prevent, we avoid, all for the sake of a better future, to prevent an undesirable outcome from occuring. Than what happens when something you know you cannot avoid comes knocking on your door bringing along with it uncertainty ?

When there's nothing i can do but to embrace it with my arms wide open. Maybe i should go into detail a little bit more, of what i'm so afraid of.

What if one day i get used to not contacting you during your school hours, and i extend it to beyond that and it becomes a 1 call per day thing. Maybe worse?

When 1 day you become so busy i get used to meeting you only once a week, and i gradually lose the feeling to see you and we don't see each other for a month?

What will happen if 1 day i even lose the importance of our anniversary? Cooking up excuses to not miss an outing with the people i hang out with in your absence ?

This are all truths, i've done them.
Posting this up here, made me half realise. That its areas i need work on myself. But i'm only human, and things like this present oppertunities for dissapointments to happen. Of putting down expectations, and accepting the food infront of you. This isn't how a relationship should be.

Neither how it should end up.
I'm afraid, with this in my head.
So tell me, how do i enjoy the moment now.

Nevertheless, i love you. Like you said, we'd work something out.
Somehow.

Darling complained i didn't update my blog =) So here's a long post for her.

Been spending a lot of days with her. Just walking and talking, sharing our nonsensical jokes. Talking about how we first met, discussing what we both thought at that moment in time =) Although we are going through a very financially broke period we're both still very very happy.

Learning how to save money together, trying to plan our activities together, arranging our schedules so that everyday we'd have time to see each other. All the silly notions she makes, the no-link talks we have, or just staring at each other for no apparent reason than do the nose twitching thingy.

In such a short span of nearly 3 months, its amazing the amount of memories we already have. And there i was complaining to myself not too long ago of about how we have spent so little time together. In a blink of an eye, i'm confident enough to say we've been through practically enough for a relationship that would have been as long as a year. Wouldn't you agree? =x

And as sure as it is, we grew stronger with every disagreement & argument we have. Although i can only remember there being 1 quarrel, the rest were pretty much debates. Looking back, its really quite amazing. How different you and i are, our lifestyles, our society. And yet even more amazing how alike we are in certain aspects. After all i'm phlegmatic, or something like that =D

For all the nagging i've done on my part. I only meant well love, and i do hope you'd remember my words for the rest of your life. To be something you remember and smile about, knowing it helped you. Its a mark i'd want to leave in your life, so at least there's someone who remembers me.

Everyday with you has been a blessing. Everything that once had an overwhelming importance to me seem to just fade to nothing the moment you're by my side. Like a haeven i seek when i'm down and out, the place i can go to and relinquish all my worries. You're just as every bit important to me as you say i am to you, maybe even more. But that'd be an argument between us about who loves who more which would never end ..

For all the promises i made. All the assurances i gave. I'd still standby them, the same way i did when i declared those words. Dearest girl, i want you to know i love you from the depths of my heart. And although my words may only be silver and not gold (-_-) i'd still want you to know nevertheless.

31.01.2009
City alive
The night that changed my life.
The night i found that life isn't all that cruel =)

10.02.2009
The day i felt sorry for the african kids cause im so blessed =x

Ps. i love you.

Ps. I know you were grinning at certain points of the post xD

To : Miss Independent
From : ______ (Fill in the name you'd wish to call me this time)
<3

Went to school this morning to find my class ended. Played pool with honey at safra, skipped my next lesson. Went back home with her, let the super sick girl sleep for close to 5hours. Woke her up for dinner, and gamed a little. Sent her to Mrt startion, bought my soyabean drinks and Bak kwa costing me a total of $10. Came home played Blackshot and now i'm writing this block of words before i go to sleep because ITE Tampines Meed 2A lesson starts at 8.15am tomorrow morning.

Fucked up anot? Oh did i mention SH called to say she won't re-enrol me in for inconsistent attendance? Sigh. I really don't see where any of this is going. Maybe i should just go to army.. There all i have to worry about is when is meal time and when will night come.

So much like secondary school uh ? But this time we get paid. Cons of army ? NO LIFE. I want to work (a proper hourly paid job) with no funny conditions for my pay to come in so and so forth to get my motorbike. I really can't stand taking public transport anymore. I wanna ride thru and fro whenever where-ever i like, i wanna feel the thrill of the speed.

$$$

What should i do now? I feel so lost.

I should be heading to sleep after i post this up. Or maybe go smoke another stick before i do. i'll see how once i'm done with this in about 5mins yeah?

Webcam-ed and skype with my cute girlfriend ytd night. Haha spent about 15mins fixing my mic cause of some stupid settings. Spent 3hrs talking? Free somemore, no need scare phone bill burst or something. So we really made use of it =D

Yvonne's chalet yesterday. Glad most of us showed up. And swimming this afternoon with darling, came home to facebook and did a few nonsensical quizes. Had a good laugh lol.

Baby went home shortly after, leaving me here alone with nothing to do =( worse thing is that there's school tomorrow. I tell you, the feeling, is a killer. Spoil mood the moment i think its sunday. And if i'm not wrong there'll be work in the evening later on. How much worse can tomorrow get?

2nd thought i really don't wanna know. Haha, oh and BlackShot is really addictive. Gunz concept except not as stupid. Still not very used to my computer, been neglecting it alot past few months. Can't multi task as quick anymore. Haha.

Pray i manage to earn a little cash tomorrow. And get my ez-link done, all this is if i can remember la. I'm very lazy most of the time lmao.

Sayonara min na san ~

And yet another day passes. Edging ever so slowly towards utopia, where ever that is. Its amazing how we humans take the hours we're awake for granted. If you really sit down and think about it, i'd beg to differ and say its really very important.

We only live once. Yet in this short span of a lifetime why do we still forget certain things? Of what seemed so long ago when you're on your death bed would it still seem that far way? Maybe i'm thinking out of my reach, too much in my mouth to chew. But you've got to agree aye?

Priority

A word. What it is doesn't matter, its the emotion/actions it represents that does. Applied in every aspect of our everyday lives. Its something i have problem with, in certain areas. I weigh everything to scale, which is important and which is not. What is worth fighting for and what is not. What will stay and what won't.

But i don't cause myself misery in the process. Because priority ; only takes places when something/someone has so much importance to you that no matter what. It comes first, no questions asked, hands down straight situation.

Importance. Simple meaning, difficult process to obtain it. But when actions depict how important you just may be.. Thats when the heart starts to speak, a 1000 words.

.Because of you.

Finally got my com back up and working. Took me nearly 3 weeks cause i was lazy to dial the number to get the repair man to come. Haha amazing right? A call taking less than 3mins and i took 3 weeks to do it.

Anyway ! Been downloading songs. Lots of them, but sadly LGviewty has a superiority complex to songs and some can't be displayed for god knows what reason. So im downloading multiple versions to do trial and error, damn stupid but its the only way.

Ares sucks. Thats that. Limewire 5 is the new sex man. And been spending time with Darl alot past few weeks. Missed out on alot events to post cause com was down, and im really very lazy to go recap.

Maybe 1 day when im home feeling really ambitious i will. Oh ! and will be getting my bike soon soon SOON ! =D
$$ will be a problem but calculating here and there i should be fine (:

School started for me(again) by the way. So right now i'm a year 3 student. LOL ! Which is the reason why i can't work full time to get my bike faster. Alright ending here i need to go sleep, before my naggy beauty says i dont keep my promises.

i love you baby =)

My mind's..... Blank.. Its like, i can't think of anything. Not even those of troubles and worries. But its not the kind of blank, where as i just sit there thinking of nothing and staring at nothing. Its blank, in you. Looking at you, wondering what to do, thinking of what miserable help i can be to you. And the answer pops up in my face the exact same way my failed BTT result did, than i go blank.

On repeat this playlist went. Yeah we're smiling, laughing, cuddling in each other's presence. Its the same theory as how people enjoy themselves aboard a cruise ship while the anchor is down at the oceans floor. Its the same dragging feeling i get when i look at you. Worrying with all my might wouldn't solve anything and in turn adds on to the burden.

I've even lost inspirations to start my silly poems. That take aeons to figure out and an understanding of my life to decipher. Cause when it comes to you, love is as simple as it is complicating, which sums up the gist of it all. I want you to be happy. Saying something so foolish hardly comes close to it really happening but yet its really all i want you to be.

This isn't a post to show i'm sad, let me tell everyone reading. I'm happy ! Probably more now than ever before. Yet, i don't know whats the purpose of this particular post. What kind of emotions i wish to convey to the readers, what kind of situation i want to portray to everyone. 1 thing that might have the minority of people understand, would be the chance that they too have been through something like in their life before. It isn't a traumatic experience, i'm in fact thankful for it.

But you can't shape shift emotions just like that. All these words are ironically just bytes and data through the internet. And this time and day, i wonder why isn't there a reply, if you are okay, if everything's fine, if something's about to happen, if you remembered me.

So maybe we just figured out, why this sudden topic. And maybe we didn't ? The night's still young, i'm going to go have a cup of coffee, sit down in my living room with my phone by my side. And hope that tonight, i'll have the luck of telling you..

Goodnight & Sweetdreams, i love you.

GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT TODAY !?!

NOTHING DIFFERENT ! WEEE !~

=D Spent the day with honey. Actually planned to stay home and get my com up and running properly this time. But i really cannot resist it if my hun calls me up and very very casually asks me to go find her if im so free. Alarms in my head start tingling saying GO GO GO GO GO GO than the next thing you know im butt naked in my shower rushing. LOL !

Ended up at town, supposedly to buy shoes. Yeaahh we ended up walking in circles getting nothing but tired legs =D But its also so very enjoyable. Cause for 1 thing i do have a very cute and entertaining girlfriend with me to chase all the boredom away.

Bus-ed back to tampines cause she had a meeting to attend. I ended up at IGT for awhile, talked to the people awhile before heading off. Took 81 back, met guo ping on the way =D I stopped at my house stop leaving baby to go home alone. Guilty T.T

Its time like this i wish i had a car, or a bike, or a superfast bicycle. Time wouldn't be a constraint, travelling would be easier, time with you would be more peaceful (:

I'll see you tmr honey =)

Yeah things aren't always so carefree.
Even me being an idiot knows.
i'd be there, even if this world falls.
i won't.

" People pass, and listen to us laugh. Wishing that they had the same thing and our friends, they ask how we made it. I just smile and say the same thing ;
im not sure how we got here. "
x3

Welcome 11th march 2009. 3months into the new year 11 days into the month and 1.30mins into the day. What does this mean? It means the start of our 2nd month, i wanna recap a little into how we met okay? xD

31st January 2009, for i don't know what special reason they have this annual "dance event LOL" thing held. I really really REALLY didn't feel like going 2-3 days before the event. Changed my mind 1 day before because of something, can't really remember what but it really made me want to hit the dancefloor badly. Decided to tag along with sara and song eng that day since it WAS a 18 and above event so i had no invitations to it since most of the ppl i know go for underage ones. That was 1 thing that didn't make it so attracting to me.

Trained to... forgot the station alrdy. HAHA ! but it had a really big white church outside the station, so guess you guys roughly know where it is i hope. Padang if i remember correctly.. okay whatever. I didn't like what i saw when i reached.

1. A damn freaking long queue to esplanade.
2.Condoned areas so had to walk in big rounds.
3. No air-con !
4.The best of all, i heard songs like Sha-la-la-la.

Really wanted to turn around and head over to boat quay or play pool or something. Was about 90% sure than sara said that since we're here might as well just go in. So alright, sat there with song eng, trying to kill boredom while waiting for boyster to sell tickets. Smoked all that was left of my cigarettes while waiting, even finished song eng's share. HAHA !

There was a point the both of us was so shag we decided to just sit on the pavement of the road. Was feeling kinda gay at that moment cause sara went to fetch her friend. Talked nonsense as usual, than sara finally came back, with her friend =)

Didn't talk to her at all, being the person i am i don't do interaction. Looking at her, my 1st impressions were.. "wah high class, ang moh jin hoh, im out of her league" so yeah practically gave up straight away.

Continued waiting for boyster to sell his tickets. Than Sara's friend came over to talk to me while i was balancing myself on a stone. The kinda questions you ask when you first meet a person, which school you from, how old so and so forth. Usual topic between most people who see me will be my piearcings which killed the uneasiness in the air. Than went to participate in the "dance event".

Shall skip this whole part, mine to remember only =D

Skip

Skip

Skip

Skip

End of event, Sara wanted to eat at HongKong Cafe. Cabbed there, drank milktea, than waited for Sara's friend to go home in her parents car. Slacked a little bit more, than cabbed home =)

Reached home, took a bath. Asked Sara for her friends number, sent an sms, knocked out. The last thing i remember before falling asleep was. " Will she text me tomorrow without me taking initiative?"

A bright sunday morning, everything in my room in its place just like i left it last night, 1 sms recieved in my phone. Click* Kendra (:

From here on out is history. The chances of us meeting is so slim, and even when the chance did present itself i was 15mins too late =D and you were on your way home.

Yeah thats how i met my girlfriend. Been over a month since that, and what we've grown into is something so.. spectacular. Something that came by purely by fate, set into momentum by circumstances, fell into place by our hearts.

To say the magical words i love you. Can't even begin to depict the feelings i have for you. I even dare to say that those 3 words are too plain and general to even come close to us. What we have is something that push us to heights past potentials.

Heights that include me being a better man. Potentials that have been set out for me.
And a future for both of us that will make us smile when we look back at everything now.

From Sara's friend to Kendra to Darling.
I won't say i love you, cause you already know i do.

Heck i think i'll say it.
I love you.

=)

I'm starting to find myself to be a nuisance cause whenever i blog its always and only about 1 thing when i do.

10.03.2009

Happy 1 month anniversary darling (:

In this short span of time, nothing could have ever prepared us for what we had to go through. Rushing into this without thinking, doing things going against all logical thinking and letting our hearts do all the talking. Yes it seems so foolish to the outside world but you and me, we both know just how real and special this connection between us is. And as a matter of fact, the most touching best seller novels on romance all start out something like this (:

What seemed to be a blink of an eye, its already been a month. The days spent walking and talking with you. Sitting in the middle of nowhere just enjoying your company, or even standing in the bus teasing each other. I remember each and everyone of them very well.

Seeing you laugh, smile, frown, cry, sleep, eat, whine, nag, stare at me. It all makes me feel so blessed. Yes you people may think im crazy to enjoy all this weird human notions but its because i love you, wholly and truly.

We've been through our fair share of ups & downs already, for a month in matter of fact. But for the months and years to come [ confident ah! =) ] i'll be with you by your side for each and every one of them rain or shine, life or death.

I know, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. And although i'm real stressed up about what to do for things in the future its something i have to do. I know that deep down in my heart even though my outer self just wants to party the night away for as long as i can.

But for now, Happy 1 month anniversary beloved. No matter how pathetic it seems, its special in its own way.

I love you, now and forever.
Kendra baby =)

From the depths of my heart, here's a post to confirm myself of who i am.
Here we go.

I spent my childhood, playing playing and playing. Thats all i can remember. From the latest gadgets to popular activities.

The more prominent memories, started when i was in secondary school. Meeting people, friends, lovers and more. Some who follow up with me till now. Eugene, for one. Who has remained my best friend and god brother from as long as i can remember knowing him. Thanks for being there whenever only people with that importance in my life can give assurance.

Being the way things were, without a god to direct how my life would proceed. I learnt the ways of a delinquent. Wasting my life away, destroying my future. Everyone around me at that point of time, told me i would regret it in the future. Brushing them off, i told everyone, i'm still young.

How i regret now, doing that. When everything's too late, when everything has gone wrong, when its time to redeem myself, when i need everything that needed to be right has gone wrong.

I always planned, knowing full well that 1 day. Someone or something, is going to walk right into my life and make me change. Thing is, 1 day in a lifetime is real hard to predict. That 1 day would summarize everything in the past 19years of my life to naught.

It'll hit you like a hammer, faster than a bullet. And than the regret comes. All said and done, im sitting here wondering to myself. If its too late to start anew? There are things in my life i can't shake off, things that become a part of you. Can i make it even with these conditions?

I have a girlfriend now. And lets all be honest, everyone reading this, all the people who know me. You all know what kind of person i am, what i do in my life. You're all expecting this to go the same way.

I'm going to prove everyone wrong.

What if i tell you, that i'd stop this car and get out. And walk with you till the road ends. Would you hold my hand ?

Looking at the pictures of you. My heartaches so much, the yearn to be who you need me to be.
And the smile i see on your face, that melts my heart each and every time.
The only thing i feel with each embrace is just the want to have more.

Nu ren nu ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng.

Trying to figure out the lives of others, we learned how to lead our own lives.
Seeing the people around us go through ups and downs in life, we learned how to manage our own.
And as we all go through that phase in life, we learn from it and try with all our might to never repeat so.

But yet even so,
When this particular emotion, feeling, phenomenon occurs.
We all go rolling head over heels in despair and confusion even though we've been through it countless times.

Its a real mystery,
Something Newton or Einstein would have needed to live a hundred years longer to figure out.
And Shakespeare two times more paper to document down to produce a good ending to it for centuries.

That said and done,
I know i'm a tad too young to even begin understanding fully what all this means.
Yet again i'm not innocent enough to brush it all off and say " leave it for another day ".

I wreck my brains, pull my hair, cover my face, roll in bed, stare at the mirror. But even so i still don't understand this feeling. I feel like dying, and yet again want to live on to rediscover the feelings another day. Its very contradicting, this whole situation. When you hold me near, i feel so comfortable. That i forget everything that mattered due to absence. I keep smiling, not worrying. And when its me and myself again, everything comes rushing back to me like a bullet. Than i lose control, find it hard to handle everything, and sooner or later break down.

I make stupid decisions based on this mindset. Thinking too much into reverse physcology that i turn physcotic instead. Wishing my actions will have a reversed effect when the probability of it is 2/10 and i still go ahead with it. But 1 thing we all must agree on, some of the craziest things in life also bring us the most unforgettable joys and memories that last us this pathetic lifetime of less den a hundred years. The adrenaline, the 'high', the fuzzy feeling we all get in our hearts. No one alive has ever, solved this mystery.

Love

We all love it, and hate it.
Feel the agony and joy.
Detest it and yet again search for it.
Throw it away and in a blink want to pick it up again.
Make us believe in it so much than in one fell swoop leave us dangling

Why oh why, would we want to hold on to something as vile as this ?

For quite awhile, i felt as though i would never want to ever taste it again. Than i met this girl, not too long ago. In a place you'd least expect, or want to expect. Reasonable logic would set alarms and warn and advice screaming in your head how the probability of it ending up right is so low you'd have to be pretty damn stupid enough to even try. Than again, that's the exact god damned person i turned out to be.

Things were very simple, I liked her, she liked me. The twist to this fairytale is, everything else besides us was very complicated. I don't know now if over-looking it all was even a good thing anymore, but from the very bottom of my now so messed up heart i know that i'd be missing out on the best few moments in my life if i didn't.

Rapunzel went to the ball with prince charming, Cinderella got stuck in the tower with hair growing out of her nostrils and Sleeping Beauty is suffering from insomnia. But the thing with all of it, is the Happily Ever After that always for some sickening reason always appears at the last 3 words of each god forsaken book.

I have a confession to make. I love her. Alright not a very surprising turn of events.

Darling, the tides we're going to have to face are going to be fierce. It won't be smooth sailing at all, and even without judging from matters of the heart i can see hell on a silver platter being served to us sometime soon. By nature i'm not a very confident person, and although with everything i have i want to tell you that it'll be alright i can't even begin to phantom how much i'll being lying to you if i did.

I'll admit, if things currently happening don't change. I might give it all up. As much as it pains me to say it, i know for a fact that being who i am, this cannot do. No, being what we are, this will not do. Sacrifices. How much we hate it.

So it boils down to this. Which would you rather live with, hate for sacrifice, or losing the love you so deeply believe in. I've made my choice, like everything i do in my life. No matter how pathetic i am, how useless i am, the 1 thing. I can be proud of, is my choices.

Baby, i love you. Thats a fact that'll never be changed no matter what choice i make. And though as much as i hate to bring things down to this level, i know i have to. To be honest with you, and myself. This is love.

K.
ily.

Sentosa ytd, not much sun so it was kinda cold. But since guys have 10 times thicker skin i was quite okay with it. Played around, dug a hole. LOL, and it became my burial site awhile later. I'll upload it to blogger if i can, maybe tomorrow or something.

And guys, i have 62 photos from ytd in my phone. I obviously can't bluetooth it all, and my com isn't working properly. So i'll have to do it at someone else's house. Haha so sorry.

Headed over to Haji lane after that, Sheesha and drank. No not martell and all. White wine. LOL ! Yeah yeah a break from all the vodka's barcardi martell breezer's and all and switched to white wine. 2 bottles between 5 of us, got quite high really. Just that the taste didn't really appeal to me, so had 3 cups of it only.

All of us headed back a long while later. I guess the girl working there was tormented by us. Haha, hmm and since i have nothing to do today i may call up Fox. for an interview soon. See how it goes la.

You've told me never to say sorry unless i really mean it. And vice-versa i've learnt how to listen for a sincere apology. So if 2 words which include 1 adjective is able to make everything alright again okay i'll drop this. Well, the main word was if. Which changes the whole meaning of the sentence. So now you tell me what to do, cause im at a loss. Sigh.

Fuck this, i need to hit a club.

Alrights, since darling said the font for the last post was hard to read i've decided trying out this one and see how it goes. I think it'll add some fun to reading my blog too for certain people. HAHA !

Woke up today feeling a lil excited, for the www thingy but due to bad weather conditions and lack of company we called it off. So met darl at whitesands before heading to Ehub to catch a movie with her.

He's just not that into you.

Not bad, sweet, funny, and maybe can teach some naughty guys out there a lesson or two. Good for couples to watch, helps u learn stuff. Went to ted's for a teeny little while before heading home to accompany my mum for dinner with darling.

Spent about 2hours with her, at home. But it passed really really quick. Sent her home shortly after =)

So now im thinking whether to stay up the whole night later, dota abit, watch dvd's, snack abit, till morning. Get some sleep which i hope will last me till around 2-3pm so i wont wake up too early and have nth to do.

Oh well, i'll see how it goes.
Ps, ii luRbbx Kendra baBiie lotx lotx woRrxx !
LMAO !

Same routine this morning. Woke up, slacked, and changed to go meet darl. Due to timing we ended up heading to tiong bahru straight away, had subway for lunch, gave away 1 of my cookies to her. Sweet anot?! LOL !

Than baby went for her facial appointment which was intended to last for 2hrs or so. Vain-pot right? But i love her so (: I got no idea what i did for those 2hrs, i remember having me 'teh' at some coffee shop, walking around finding lan shops and none to my dissapointment, in and out of the arcade, than spent a LOT of time in comics images. Saw a few new mangas that would make real nice animes. Sad thing is with my com condition i've missed nearly 1 month worth of anime already.

Strolled over to the neighbouring shop, inquired for my tattoo, shape size colour price and sessions. A little while more only i guess, alrdy got the gist of it just the customisation left. Gotta be real picky on it, its a lifetime thing ya'know?

Sara apparently has friends in AcidCrew that can do it for me at a real low price. So once i get my pay from the job im still looking for at the moment.. Inked (:

Oh, headed back to tamp to meet sara with darling btw. Walked around, slacked at some b.ball court, took pictures. Which im too lazy to upload today, will do so some other time i guess.

Deciding to switch to this font permanently. Depending on how it turns out later when i press the Publish Post button sometime soon. Haha, so plans for tmr are...

Wild Wild Wet =D

With milstein, sara, darling & me me ME X) Been years since i last stepped in. So kinda looking forward to it. But we'll be heading back home early tmr, im expecting to be real worn out after the day. But promised edwin i'd pop over tomorrow at his cafe so yeah..

Sat there after baby went home just now. Was real quiet at the start, was enjoying those alone peace and quiet times in life but not long later people were starting to file in 1 by 1, or groups by groups you can say. So took my leave and here i am at home blogging.

Partly thanks to darl's constant nagging for me to blog. Gonna go dota 1 round or something before turning in tonight (:

Everyday's a beautiful one with you around my love.
You're my love story.

Woke up at 12pm today. Remembered about last night and felt real guilty, so decided to start the 1st sms of the day and wish my sweetie a good morning, or afternoon. Whatever. Rotted at home all the way till 5pm. No, im serious. Rot. Sat around, lazed around and stuff.

Baby reached around 6pm, had dinner with her at the foodcourt before heading over to teddies to chill. Met up with keefe and panda there, sara and sng came over to join us shortly =)

Headed over to tamp not long later, had cup corn(which was stolen by eugene halfway thru) before sending darl home personally =D

Yeah so thats my day. Boring? Not quite people, i had darling with me. Times are never boring with her around (:

Maybe i think too much.
Or it could just be my imagination.
But bottom line was that i really didn't feel, at peace.

Whats worse was that i didn't know how to react to it.
So i just turned a deaf ear to everything.
But being as it is, i love you darl.
And i can never resist seeing your name light up on my phone and not answer.
Well at least not for extended periods.
5mins or so to be exact.

But baby i want you to know, you're everything why i live and breathe everyday.
So no matter how unreasonable i may be, darling its cause i love you.

I really dont get some people you know ? Its not as if its some gigantic sum, yeah so maybe i owe it for quite awhile, and times before when i could pay i didn't. But right now when im really really tight on cash it has to come out now, talk about bad timing. Ahh.. get it over and done with also good la. Than i won't need to ever bother myself with this whole affair again. Finish this debt and *pop* no more strings attached and i can freely walk around without the heavy feeling in my heart saying " i have to see this person again cause no matter what i owe da da da da da". Well thats the only good side i can see lah.

Yeah Panda's out from remand. Went to meet him at century square today, watched him cut his hair and slacked with Thaiboy and co. We really dont do much tgth, just talking mostly. But i really don't know why its always so entertaining around these people. Thaiboy's reaction very funny, something like this happened..

*Got into cab.
Panda : " Uncle, toa payoh."
Thaiyboy : " Huh?! 0.0 "
Me : " Hahahaha "

His reaction la, cause we were supposed to head to Pasir ris from tamp. Than while we were in the cab..

Panda : " i forgot what's the code for rapist inside. "
Thaiboy : " i think dangerous weapon is 300 plus thing. "
Taxi driver(indian) : " 343! "
Me : " Wah uncle how you know? "
Taxi driver : " Yah you all dont know me right? i only a taxir driver right? "
Me : " LOLOLOL "

Well home sweet home after that. Hoping i get too see darling longer tomorrow. But at least we're going out at thats the most impt thing to look forward to for me right now =D

Its times like these that you never expect coming to be the best times of your life.
So all you can do is expect the unexpected.
And all the times i stood watching are turning to times where i stare and gloat.
Cause being the person i am, i love gloating at people that make me ..
Pfft, worthless.

PS. Darl i love you =D

Long long day, gathered at tamp in the afternoon. Cabbed down to bedok, finished some business there, cabbed to Haji lane with photirat and jia an, sheesha-ed for about 30mins, roamed around bugis, walked to jalan besar than to kelantan lane, watched jia an try on motorbike helmets in me and photirat's amusement, walked to descar road, cabbed to geylang, walked 3 circles in geylang, walked to aljunid, bus-ed to teo heng, sang till 9pm.

I sat down in teo heng's ktv lounge, my back instantly gave in. As usual sang hilarious songs and nonsense there. Katong laksa and pool were next in line, than bus back to home sweet home. I tell you i have so many wonderful ppl around me. Out with them i don't need to worry about money and all, at least its the last thing they'd care about. Well, im in a financially bad period of time for now, but once i get back on my feet it'll be my turn treating okay?

1 day without seeing my girlfriend is really a torture. I miss her like crazy can ? She's the sweetest thing at times. Little actions with big impacts, what would i do without you dearest.

Love takes many forms, its subtle and sweet at times, crude and sharp another time.
However at the end of the day, no matter how ugly it gets, love is love.
You had me at hello.

Overdue pics with the guys, and my baby trying to model. LOL !

Well, blog is still a lil unstable. With the fonts and everything, keep resizing themselves. Whatever, spent the day with darl again. Accompanied her to republic poly, as mentioned in the last post. Spent 3mins there, than U-turned to head to bugis, again. For 2 whole weeks we've stepped into that place like the 5th time alrdy ? Cine 4 times ?

Had plans at Plaza singapura in the evening so i met up with EJ there while darl went to meet her ex-collegue. Trained back to my place supposedly for dinner but when we reached there was nothing left. Yupp so there went dinner, or supper.

Trained/bus backed darl home after that, which ended up requiring me to cab home. I need my bike/car asap, this wont work out, long term especially. What can i do? minimum length to get a car licence in singapore is 8months. My BTT is in 2weeks time, and i still have a long way to go after that. Sighs, if there was a fast forward button wouldn't it alot simpler?

Speaking of which, 19 years just flocked past. Looking back, its really on fast forward. So people, when you're all 13-16 years of age, please don't admire the 18 and above. We so much wanna be like you, worse off if we're above 20.

To be honest, you're the 1st love to me in many ways. Someone so independent, so clear of her own goals, organized and educated. I've never encounted this kind of life before. And i know its gonna take some getting used to but i know i'll adapt, cause i know what kinda person i am. I guess its just gonna take time, i dont knw how long, but putting your needs above mine, i know it'll be quick (:

And thats how love works. The feeling you get in your gut, the warmth you feel pulsing through your veins. But even more importantly, what you'd give to keep that special one next to you. Its something no one can ever predict, the scale is too out of the box. And its these kind of things that make each and every one of them unforgettable, unique to each person and only to that person.

Loves dishes out many things in its beautiful presence, how we deal with it is another thing. But no matter how it goes, or where it ends up. I'll love you with everything i've got till im dry. Kendra baby, this is for you my love (: